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Three more days to our fifth month together.

Not patronising her because she is my girlfriend... but I think it's really hard to find someone like her ever again.

I was looking through my video archives some days back... and came across the varsity fellowship orientation camp video taken back in 2003. We were in the same group then... and it's just amazing to look at those footages and look at all that's going on now... Loss of words. :)

I took a look at Galations 5:22-23:

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law."

And found the Holy Spirit ever working in her.

And the unexplainable gush of emotions as I read her latest entry... that maturity... that faith... that love.

Reproduced here with her permission.

Thank You... thank you.

ohhh it's the middle of the night and I'm awake. Slowly came awake after a really confusing dream and I kind of got more and more awake as I tried to make sense of it .. until I just decided to wake up go pee and conveniently forget about it. But now I'm so awake and I think the occasion merits some blogging, cos I can't remember the last time I was awake at this hour with this sense of clear-headedness.

Life has been different since the last time I used to blog fairly regularly. Maybe it's because I was afraid of the responses I would get if I truly said what I felt, that people would read and judge the differences in my life, or perhaps just simply judge me. I remember a time I used to say whatever I wanted with abandon because I had such an overwhelming sense that this place was really all about me, whatever I wanted to say and vent .. but then it got to be that venting became something that had a price, that things that I said here would have repercussions in reality. This is one way in which my life has changed actually, it applies to how I'm living the rest of my life as well. Not daring to be as totally candid and transparent as I like because of the fear that people would misunderstand and be hurt or angry or confused and go on to do the things that hurt, angry and confused people do. Or simply that they just wouldn't understand.

Well, I'll just try to describe things as they are now, while I'm still trying to figure everything out.

Been spending quite a lot of time with Galvin's mum lately. And this is something that I really see God's hand in .. how her admission to hospital came just the week after the Sunday afternoon I managed to spend an extended time alone with her for the first time. If not for that Sunday afternoon, I wouldn't have felt comfortable enough to have spent that much time with her in the hospital alone .. to be there for her in that way. So I really thank God for His goodness in opening the doors for my heart's wish to become a reality, especially as this is something I had always kind of wished for ever since Galvin and I got together, but always kindof feared because I was not sure how she felt about me, she and Galvin being so close. The very first time I met her she didn't even look at or smile at me. What a long way God has brought us since then .. and in such a short time too. But this is not a relationship that I begin building up without some anxiety .. some fear that I'm really barging head on into something that will prove too big for me to chew. After all, I am aware that some people might view this as becoming too familiar with Galvin's family too fast .. making myself a part of too many areas of his life all at once, even in his relationship with his mum. Such worries occur to me rather frequently too ... what if things don't work out and I'm just putting myself in a position to do more hurt to him, myself, my family and his family if that turns out to be the case? I can't deny that I'm very aware of the effect that my relationship with his mum has on Galvin himself .. and even the way in which her heart too has opened to me in a way that only God's grace can have made possible. But yet all these developments make me fear and doubt that I do these only to win his favour, all the while knowing that the stakes are too high now for my little-girl games. Even though I've questioned myself over and over in my heart and know as far as I can that each moment I spend with her comes from a genuine desire to do so for her, herself, it just worries me sometimes that deep down in the deceitfulness of the human heart this might not be the case. I try to prove my sincerity to myself by spending time with her even when it means a sacrifice of time and energy for me that might not include the 'reward' of seeing Galvin, in times when he's not able to be around. Always, I have found that that time spent with her is a blessing in itself .. there is a stillness and peacefulness that I find in her company and in the simple joy of playing fingergames and having her laugh or mouth words at me.

So that's how it is at the moment .. the sense that God is doing new things in my life and pouring grace into it most abundantly, but still there is that unavoidable sense of uncertainty that comes with the venturing into unknown territory. As I've mentioned to Galvin more than a few times, I've always had such a sheltered and trouble-free life .. and that thought keeps recurring to me because I'm afraid that when my mettle is tested, I will prove to be too soft and useless in times when I need to be strong. In joking reply he's sometimes said that the one who follows him will have a hard life, cos his life has always been full of trial, or 'ming ku' as he put it .. but there have been times when he said it and I sensed that he was being absolutely serious.

He doesn't often talk to me about the pains and struggles that he must experience in relation to his family's trials. And maybe he is wise in hesitating to share them with me. For who knows how much I can take .. exactly when I will begin to shake my head and back away saying that 'no, this life can't be for me'. I guess only God knows .. and it's Him I'm trusting as I take each step of this journey. That he will give the grace even as he reveals to me and helps me understand fully what it is that is meant by the phrase that 'his burdens will be my burdens' (I meant this phrase to refer only to Galvin but lo and behold the lack of capitalisation gives this another meaning that refers to God's burdens .. and what a wonderful way in which God has put this into perspective for me .. that yes. whatever He has in store for me are really His burdens .. and what a joy it will be when I reach that point when I know that I have exchanged my own puny burdens for His glorious ones).

During those visits at the hospital, there was one particular time when the nurses had to do a procedure to clean up the site of the insertion of the feeding tube in Galvin's mum's tummy, so that it wouldn't get infected. As nobody else was around, Aunty Witwit asked me to stay and listen to the nurse's instructions as he demonstrated how to clean the area, just in case she wasn't able to understand properly. Haha .. I half think she did this on purpose, to show me what exactly it is I might have to handle, especially as she had just told me earlier how I must be prepared to help Galvin take care of his mum next time(Galvin himself has never spoken to me about this, and again I think he is wise .. to wait and let God do what he has to). So I stayed, and held his mum's hand through the procedure. She squeezed it real hard everytime the pain became bad, and for the super squeamish me who usually can't stand the site of blood or anything that looks physically disgusting .. who begins feeling like puking at the thought of wounds or puke or shit or anything like that - well I guess I'm amazed I didn't pass out or puke all over the place. Squeamishness aside, my heart nearly broke at her having to go through that pain and just her having to be in that state .. and I don't know how Galvin has been able to take everything that has happened and continues to do so. Well, I guess humanly speaking he can't .. and it's all by God's grace. But even so, I wonder if I could. On the way back to school after that I had a vision of myself fastforwarded a few years, frustrated and angry at home while having to take care of a wailing baby as well as Galvin's mum while he's away at work. And really, it was so vivid, the thought of how the stresses of life in such a situation would make me really resent Galvin and have us always quarrelling, and me always in tears. The first impulse was to really ask myself, is this the future I want? If all my good grades and success in school and church and in general were really leading up to such a life as this? And then I realised that because of my dear Pa, my loving heavenly Father .. things never have to be perceived that way .. and I forcefully pushed that vision away from my mind.

So step by step .. as my Saviour leads. I'm trusting that as I continue to walk towards all He has for me .. He'll transform me into that person and partner that I need to be. Boy it sure looks like a lot of work but I guess God knows what He's doing! And in that I rest confident :) So well .. super long entry this time. And who knows when I'll blog again? But it's been good .. putting all these thoughts finally down into words. And maybe all my friends out there whom I've been so forever dreamy to these days may catch a glimpse of the stuff that's been occupying my mind and heart. ;p