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Haha... the melody of the verse sounds similar to one of my favourite Caedmon's Call songs... and the first line of the chorus, as Dori pointed out, sounds exactly the same as Hardy's "You Give Me Wings". Aiyoh..... but nevermind lar. Joyful singing it. :)

COME FILL ME LORD EVERYDAY
31 January 2007

[C G F G]
May the words of my mouth
And the meditations of my heart
Be pleasing to You Lord
Will You keep me from sins
That they rule not over me
Or my willful heart
My Rock and Redeemer

[F C G F G]
For the pure in heart
Gets to see Your face
With clean hands
I can climb Your hill

[C F C F]
[Dm7 G C Am Dm7 G C]
Come fill me Lord everyday
With Your Holy Spirit, I pray
To give You praise every moment
With this life I worship, my God
In all I think and do
Lord I lift them unto You
Lord I lift this life of worship unto You

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It's amazing how this affinity with band music grew. Haha...

Zai let me listen to one of Corrine May's songs on her christmas album about two weeks back in his car. She'd used a superbly familiar tune and added lyrics to the song. When I heard the tune I started humming to it... and it was like a sudden realisation that hey! That's one of my favourite tunes!!! Haha... the trouble is this: none of us knew where it came from. But I figured out that it has to be band music... So I endeavoured to ask either Char, no. 9 or 5 about it when the opportunity arises.

Somehow I never got to ask... always slipped my mind until I was walking Char back home... hummed the tune and she immediately told me the title... it's one of her favourite pieces too! Haha...

Anyways.

Had lunch with no. 9 before the project group meetings. Haha... yeah. This boy ah... haha better not write in case he's a silent reader. Haha...

The project group meetings went well. It's funny... but I really enjoyed the time with the different groups! Some faces I haven't seen for a long time... was with a group in their class when mr. gordon goh walked past the corridor... called out his name and then he sticked his face in for a while looking dazed. Haha...

I do wonder sometimes how it'll be like to be taking them as a permanent teacher. If it ever happens, it'll definitely have to be Him and His will. But yeah. I'm contented with the position that I'm in right now. ;)

Adventurous... yet knowing that He's in control through it all. :)

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It's been some time since I go for prayer jogs... or jogs, for that matter.

Thankful that I was prompted by one of my brothers' entries to go for one on sunday night... which turned out really fruitful. Just came back from one again... and I pray that He'll help me sustain it. Jogging frees up your mind somehow... can be quite a mindless activity, hence good to use it to pray. Heh heh...

In light of all the things that's been read and learnt the past weeks and months... I realised that my reading of the Bible has taken more and more of a relationship and feelings stance. And I appreciate the things revealed to me... even the readings today, to know that God will always be with me, not just knowing it in the head. :)

Sometimes it's very hard to look into the long haul especially if you are one who gets disappointed very easily by the lack of results... like me. Haha... as I read about Moses and Aaron's "showdown" with the Pharaoh this time round, I wondered how they would have felt each time Pharaoh's heart was hardened. Moses was already unwilling to be used in the first place... I guess Pharaoh's responses weren't exactly very encouraging.

Still. They went back to their LORD.

It's always the case isn't it. Lest we forget that the second half of the story's in His hands.... and all we're called to do is to learn to trust and walk in this relationship.

And in the case of apostle Paul, let us not forget the role that Barnabas, the son of encouragement, played in his life. Even though it's not documented in the scriptures, as convicted as Paul may be in God's revelation to him on the road to Damascus, I'm sure he would have been affected by the discouragements that set in.

"When he came to Jerusalem, he tried to join the disciples, but they were all afraid of him, not believing that he really was a disciple. But Barnabas took him and brought him to the apostles. He told them how Saul on his journey had seen the Lord and that the Lord had spoken to him, and how in Damascus he had preached fearlessly in the name of Jesus. So Saul stayed with them and moved about freely in Jerusalem, speaking boldly in the name of the Lord." - Acts 9:26-28

A little encouragement can go a long way.

This verse has always been around in my heart:

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching." - Hebrews 10:24-25

I was praying for my family and my extended family... there're just so many things that require so much trust that He'll bring things to pass. I don't know how long it'll take this brother... this sister... to be convicted of their personal walks with God... I don't know whether he... she... will learn to put God first in everything and not to take on an alternate identity in school... I don't know whether these people... and I for the matter, will last the long haul and hear Him say "well done, my faithful servant"... Hahaha.

The love and faithfulness that endures forever.

That I know. :)

Let's press on together despite all the crap that's against us... ok?

We're in this together. ;)

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Thankful for a fruitful morning working on some backlogged stuff... then went to meet up with a brother in Christ for the very first time.

I must say, I'm really encouraged by the conversation we had. :)

Was thinking on and off... that there're a lot of things I really don't have to do... as in, there's really no need for me to take them on when I can spend more time by myself and with people close to me...

And yet I'm reminded that there's no comfortable Christianity.

Lalala... haha.

Tuesday's coming up. Hope to finish some more backlogged stuff in the morning... then a possible lunch with no. 9 before a couple of project meetings. Then it's tuesday nightout with Char.

:)

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I love this song writing streak lately.

:)

I love this walk.

:)

I love You Lord.

:)

I LIFT THEM UNTO YOU
29 January 2007

What can I give when You have already owned it all,
the Lord of all creation?
There's nothing much that I can offer up to You
Just my life, my heart, my will
I lift them unto You

I need You Holy Spirit, guide me in this truth
Come fill me every moment
I know I cannot make it with my puny strength
Lord I want to grow in You
Come fill my life

Empower me today
So I can glorify Your Name
No matter where on earth I'm placed
That I may be a light that shines for Jesus
Build me up in prayer
Come draw me closer everyday
To know that all else will flow
From the inside out...
From the inside out

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Agape is a high calling.

Three types of love - Eros (erotic, sensual), Phileo (brotherly, sisterly) and Agape (unconditional, loving in spite of).

God's love is agape - He loves us unconditionally, sends His own Son to die on our behalf in spite of our rebellious nature. We ought to reciprocate this love, and yet He doesn't coerce us into loving Him back... or acknowledging His presence.

God owns everything... even our hearts. The concession He gave is free will to return to the intimate relationship that each one of us is called to with Him.

The tricky thing is. As long as man is in darkness, there is no way he can ever imagine how satisfying such an intimate relationship with his Creator can be like.

And so, it boils down to His grace that people actually pray to receive Him into their lives. Ironic... but as I looked at my own life... I wouldn't have realised this on the day I received Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior. But now... I really can see how that was very much His act of grace entirely.

And yea. It's been a great struggle in the area of relationships and friendships as well... simply because agape is a high calling. It's like the more you invest into any relationship, the more you'll expect... things like acknowledgement, reciprocation.

Simply put, self centredness.

But I must say. It's been a great learning journey these six years... and looking at the photos pasted on my wall... I'm just thankful that He's brought me past certain things that used to be struggles... and that I'm really freed to agape to a certain extent to others.

For the glory of my King. ;)

I must say. Thank you once again to those who've demonstrated agape in my life... if you ever drop by, you know who you are. :)

Oh yah. The extended family's growing. Welcome number 9! Haha... 3 more to go to make 12! :P

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I almost couldn't get these photos up. Haha... Something wrong with my compact flash card - my systems refuse to acknowledge the presence of the camera because of the faulty card. Went to get a multicard reader and did some salvaging... there was much rejoicing when I saw the photos open up in the folder after hours of futile trying. Hur hur... yay!! :)

Went through a session with DG1 in the late morning in the living room... we ended with sharing and prayer - had the starfruits people (Zeb, Chris & David) go to my room to pray. Jan was at the floor below coordinating the rest to come up as soon as I give him a call. Everything worked out pretty well I guess! Haha...

Time passes by so fast. It really seems just like yesterday when we celebrated Zeb's belated 14th birthday... he had just joined TMS then. Was looking back at some of the past entries last January and February... and I'm just thankful that He's allowed me to mark His faithfulness through revisiting those entries. Come to think of it... it amazes me now to know that Zeb, Chris and David are only fifteen this year. :P

And the many others whom I'm given the privilege to see their growths... there was a tug in my heart when Matt mentioned yesterday about the current WEB meeting twenty years later for a reunion of sorts. It'll be an amazing sight I guess, with many of them married and having children already. Hahaha... Praying that that will come to pass then. :)

It's really true that when your heart's filled with so much thanksgiving... it leaves you with no space for gloom or worries.

My continual prayer for the youths of this generation... that they may know who God is to themselves, grow in this personal relationship, in faith, love and trust... and then let everything else be a natural outflow of that relationship.

Let's press on together yes! :)

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It's been a jam packed saturday... not that it's good for me physically since I'm not exactly well rested from the toil from ippt and field camp the past week, but yeah, I came back home joyful and refreshed in the Lord.

:)

I guess I'm easily encouraged to see Him working in the lives of others? Haha... But yeah. Sounds a bit thick skinned to say this, but there are two ways I get encouraged - seeing Him at work... and when I receive notes of encouragement. Hur hur hur... *hint hint*

Anyways. Matt played the birthday trick on me again. :| The one they did at Dan Ryan's off Tanglin Road four years ago when it wasn't my birthday at all:

Had dinner at Dan Ryan's... Food there was pretty much okay... they serve American portions. Hehe... Had fish and chips... one of the more affordable items on the list... Appreciate sitting amongst cherished brothers. :) Then came this surprise... people from the other table (we had about twenty people) started standing up and singing the birthday song. Thinking it was a surprise for someone's birthday we all stood up and started singing too... then.. "Happy Birthday to... GALVIN!!!" Boy, I must have looked extremely stupid at that moment. Totally astonished and bewildered. I looked at my watch and looked at everyone else... they looked so dead serious that they were celebrating my birthday... Sigh. Haha. Well of course it was a joke... But I guess it would have been more "justified" for this to be played on me if the people concerned actually know when my actual birthday is.. well, it just came as an afterthought. I was totally alright with it and was rather amused... the cake tasted yummy anyway. Haha...

Malu lar... they did it in front of such a huge crowd of people this time round. But it's funny... the afterthoughts that came upon reflection. I am thankful for this bunch of people... people who genuinely want to serve God and His youths. As I think about those days and now... yeah, the word again. Grace. God's grace. That He's so graciously seen us through the years... to see this youth generation rise up not upon the whimsicals but upon firm foundations.

So great to have lunch with Char. :D So great to see the brother at the service today. ;) So great and a great relief to see jj manage to make it to service. Haha... So great to be able to catch up albeit only for a while with no. 2, rejoicing along to see what God is doing in his life. :P So great was the time spent with DG2 engaging in learning and sharing together... So great was the time spent talking to no. 5 after that.

Another long day ahead tomorrow... but one which I'll definitely really cherish. Haha... Still having mixed feelings with regards to certain things even though my heart has already settled down... but I'll trust Him to iron me out in His perfect timing.

Papa... thank You for loving me. Sorry for all the times I turned my back unknowingly... and deliberately. All I ask... is that You'll let me know You better each passing day... and let this life be a testimony of Your grace. It's been a really exciting six years come to think of it... come what may, I pray that You'll always be my first love... and yeah haha... my best friend. Nothing will ever change that!!! :P

Wrote a chorus... unless He leads, it'll stand at this:

Lord I thank You for Your mercy
Thank You for Your grace
For the love You offer freely
Lord I stand amazed
Be it 17 or 70 my hands I'll raise
For You're worthy of all worship
You are worthy of all praise

No special meaning to the ages mentioned... but yeah. Seventeen can be quite a tumultuous period of time... and I really pray that He'll watch over each and every one of those going through that period of time.

Till next time. Okay lar. Till tomorrow. Haha...

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There are brothers and sisters out there whom I can afford to "let my words be few"... for those who do not know, I like to write a lot, like, duh... Haha... as in, write notes to people.

Yeah. But not just in writing... but in talking as well. There are those few whom I don't have to say much or write much for thoughts to be conveyed across.

And I'm thankful to God for you guys.

:)

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Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Hope in the Lord... hope in the Lord people.

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PRESSING ON
25 January 2007

It is a joy
to see you growin' everyday
Still remember the day we met
We had nothing much to say
And I thank Lord Jesus
For that teachable heart of yours
Though it wasn't easy
He slowly led the way

So many distractions
that could cloud us from this walk
It's a challenge to be still
To make the time each day
Be encouraged brother
that you're not the only one
For as long as we're willing
He'll guide us all the way

Trust in Him with all your heart
Lean not on your own understanding
In all your ways acknowledge Him
He'll make your paths straight

And I thank the Lord
For the faithfulness
He's demonstrated in your life
Hold on to this faith
and press on in this journey
You will never walk alone
We are all in this together

He will make a way
Everytime we think
we've reached a dead end in this race
Let us run together
till we see His face
Though this road is tough and long
It is worth the pressing on
the pressin on

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Just came back from field camp... For all the things we'd done and from the comments from reservists who'd attended numerous in-camps noting that this had got to be the 'shiong-est' ICT ever... we really could have been mistaken for an active unit. Haha...

Army life has just started in a sense for me I guess? And I'm glad that the constant sneezing didn't really deter me from continuing with the team... cause I know that my old self would have wanted to 'chao geng'... Haha. Yea, not ashamed of telling that cause I realised that that's one thing that He's really changed in my life. :)

Thanks to all who prayed... there were times I started sneezing uncontrollably... but it was manageable. It kind of stopped completely towards the end of the second day.

Was a good experience overall... and what struck me most was the importance of teamwork. I guess as reservists, people would tend to want to take a laidback perspective to things... but I'm thankful to be amongst a team of people who're willing to take initiative and get things done. On the contrary, most of the hiccups came not from us... but from the other ends. Haha... Thank God for good officers who know what they're doing and fellow brothers (in arms)... Haha.

Yep. Tomorrow's the last day before out processing in the afternoon... the next one's coming in September. And then there'll be many more to go before I expire into the not fit for combat category. Hahaha...

I'm just amazed how He's tweaked my perspectives so much. :)

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I don't know how many people actually come this place... or rather, how many of you who know me in person actually comes here. But ya, hope that whoever reads this will help keep this little soul in prayer over the next few days.

Had been sneezing the past day or so right after taking my IPPT in camp yesterday, tried to down medicine and sleep early... the condition has improved quite a bit, but I'm definitely not in an all-clear condition. Don't want to miss the fieldcamp also - the highlight and also the siong ("tough") portion of the in-camp training... I think the "we're in it together" thing has gotten into me bah. Haha... even though it was just a few days of working together, the cohesiveness and efficiency on our unit's part really encourages me to move together. The way things were done... people may mistake us for an active unit. Haha...

So yea. For those of you who will, pray that the Lord will sustain me physically, that as much as possible I'll not fall out from the exercise. Alright, running late already. Won't be posting till at least thursday evening. Till then!

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An hour to my book in timing...

Checked my mails and received two replies for the two emails I sent out the day before.

One's pretty much settled. The other one... well.

Just hoping that whatever decision that's arrived upon, it'll entirely be His leading and nudging.

Time for in camp. :)

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Recapping Experiencing God's 7 Realities...

1. God is always at work around you.
2. God pursues a continuing love relationship with you that is real and personal.
3. God invites you to become involved with Him in His work.
4. God speaks by the Holy Spirit through the Bible, prayer, circumstances, and the church to reveal HImself, His purposes, and His ways.
5. God's invitation for you to work with Him always leads you to a crisis of belief that requires faith and action.
6. You must make major adjustments in your life to join God in what He is doing.
7. You come to know God by experience as you obey Him, and He accomplishes His work through you.

Prayed the night before that I'll be ready to receive the message and any surprises that may come in the service today.

Every word came piercing through.

And then He topped it with a compelling vision that's humanly impossible to achieve.

And then He gave a good reminder through Ps. Kai what a chiken I am.

And then a reminder that He's given me a new name... which came so subtly I did not realise until Ps. Kai talked about God giving him a new name.

Wrote two emails that were very difficult to write.

The heart is deceitful above all things.

I had to make sure that the decisions made do not contain any form of selfish agendas or desires... and even so, there really isn't any good indicator.

Each one of us grow as we own our decisions and take responsibility for them.

Of all the decisions I've ever made, I'm most thankful for one.

That by His grace, I've decided to follow Jesus.

I was shaken when Ps. Kai mentioned this.

That there is no safe Christianity.

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For no apparent reason.

Or perhaps... I know... and yet I don't know.

I'm such a wretched man la.

But yeah. Service today was great. Touched by the sharings... and it reminded me of how Char and I started off disagreeing with a whole load of stuff... and how important His timing is in everything.

And He gave Matt the psalm He impressed upon my heart for this year. When Matt flashed it over the service in the midst of the time of worship, I was like... Haha... there You go. :)

Almost couldn't record the song "For The Glory Of My King" this afternoon... it was really hard to sing the song, as in, I almost got choked a couple of times. Hahaha... die I feel like doing it again now. :'|

Haha... oh yes. WELCOME BACK MOUSEY!! :)

Okay... somehow I felt better. Writing and reflecting does causes one to reach a certain level of catharsis I guess. Haha...

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Just returned from visiting mom... she's alright, should be coming back home tomorrow... on her birthday. Hur. :)

Thank you to all who responded to the request for prayer... it just amazes me to think of so many people interceding on my mom's and my family's behalf yesterday evening till now. He's faithful. ;)

And yah. The back-end of this website is up again. Kudos to Watson and the rest of the team at Different Host! Can continue to post and update on this site again! :P

More amazing stuff. I am enjoying my ICT! Haha... man, my national service life really starts after I become operationally ready - I belong to a small sub-unit that gets deployed to front line! Haha... yea. It's a really fresh experience, working alongside fellow medics and amongst a team of doctors... outfield next week will most probably include being air lifted! :)

And yah. Had a short chat over the phone with this brother whom I just got to know. Will be meeting him soon after my ICT to chat again. Really exciting man! Hahaha...

I have to confess that I didn't manage to spend consistent time with God this week... as in, specific time that's set apart to just spend time. And I have to confess that physical fatigue didn't help a bit at all... for which His faithfulness I really don't deserve.

Really beginning to identify with what Paul wrote in the epistles... not just understanding them, but identifying with them.

Ultimately...

FOR THE GLORY OF MY KING
19 January 2007

Time and time again I've failed
To surrender all, to take my cross
And I wonder why I cannot keep
This promise I've made to give

I don't know when the day will come
When I'll follow You with all my heart
When I'll cease to fall and firmly stand
And finally comprehend

This relationship, Lord help me to build it up
Lead me on and fill my heart
Teach me Lord to come each day and pray

Come draw me closer, be my light
That shines upon my path to guide
Empower me to walk consistently
In this journey of belief

Let Your consuming fire fall
Engulf my heart to heed Your call
Teach me to live my life authentically
For the glory of my King

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Mom's been admited to NUH. She had her tracheostomy tube changed the day before... but for whatever reason, she started having discomforts this morning and when I saw her in the evening after returning from in camp training, she already had difficulty getting clear ventilation. The exhaling would often be cut short halfway, as if the air has reached a bottleneck, unable to escape.

Yeah... so we called the ambulance. Didn't think it would have been wise to let mom breathe through the night in this manner. Followed the SCDF personnel on the ambulance to the hospital.

She's now still at the A&E department at the point of this writing - Dori, Aunty Witwit and I came back first while dad stayed on to wait. Thank God that it's his off day tomorrow... I would have stayed on if not for my ICT.

Having said that, am thankful that I am able to stay out.

Got to rest now though... long day in camp ahead with night tactical exercises. Thank you to those who responded to the request for prayers... really meant a lot. :)

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Just had a good time of sharing and prayer with a dear brother.

I remember talking to him years ago in Mos Burger about all sort of things but God.

Now the chat's gotten more heartier... more natural... and more God focused.

Lest I remember that time is an important ingredient.

Time for growth... upwards and sideways (no lar, as in with God and with man, not taller and fatter. :|)

Sometimes I just worry too much over what usually amounts to nothing. Haha...

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Sad.

I bobo-ed both times during live infusion... caused my new found buddy to have such a traumatizing time on the first day of ICT... his first one too. :( I know he really didn't mind me shooting him twice on both hands... but still. Ah well. Yeah. Added one more hole mark to my collection on my right hand... funny how all my injection tracks still appear so visible after so many years.

I guess I'm still very much an introvert at heart. Stayed quiet throughout the in-processing at the cookhouse... and actually looked extra because I was the only one who lugged my whole duffle bag back to camp. :| Haha... should have called up and enquired. It's a stay out (*yay*) until next week when there's going to be an outfield exercise.

I really don't like the feeling of wanting to interact and yet not being able to step out... and I really wonder if this is going to be so all the time in all situations. It happens even with my interactions with youths. Ah wells.

Thank God... somehow started interacting and talking with a number of people from my unit... and yeah, more with the buddy I just got to know who's a year older than me. It sounds stupid, but it felt good that the day would end with saying goodbyes... knowing that it could very well end with me just slithering away. Hahaha...

Yeah I know. Image crash to the ground... but I guess there's really nothing to hide. That's the real Galvin, always stuck in between wanting to talk but not being able to initiate.

Perhaps that's why I tend to cherish more the relationships that I have with people whom I can talk to and communicate with. Then again, that's typical of introverts. Haha...

Anyways... on hindsight, it was a pretty good first day in camp! Had the normal vocational training - live infusion in the morning and CPR in the afternoon... ended with a little orientation by the officer doctors with regards to the procedures and instruments in the operating theatre (OT). Still quite unsure how it'll all work out in the days to come... but yeah, it'll work out.

Good to see some familiar faces around in camp... bumped into one of my ex-bosses when I was on the way out. Having gone through batches upon batches, it's good to know that there are people who remember you... Heh. And yes, it's a really funny feeling going through CPR lesson as an NSMan and not an instructor anymore. Hahaha.

Ah wells. Can't imagine I'm a reservist now. Or rather, can't imagine I'm my current age now. Hur hur hur... thank God there's something called child-likeness. :P

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And I'm not totally packed yet. Haha... in fact, I'm gonna go sleep first before waking up to finish the packing. There's a sense of anticipation... after all, it's my maiden ICT. Not sure if I'll meet anyone familiar, not sure of the procedures, not sure of this, not sure of that... even have to ponder if I should appear in smart four or long four... Hahaha. But having seen through batches of reservist personnel in the past, I think it's okay to just appear in long four bah. Gosh all the army lingo coming back... Hur.

It's been a long and interesting day. Wasn't very much in a good mood somehow... wasn't about the ICT though. It's just a general tired feeling, operating in a want-to-sleep-but-can't-sleep mode. But yeah. Received a card from Char this morning when we met to travel together - her to school and me to hospital to get mom her trachy tubes. Was reading it on the way back home in the bus... thank God I was alone. If not malu. Haha... it's been an amazing nine months. We're so similar yet so different. If it hadn't been for Jesus, none of these would be happening. Along the way as we pieced the many things that boiled down to us meeting again and all... it's nothing short of amazing how precise His timing was for certain things to happen.

As much as she thinks that she's weak... she doesn't know how strong God is in her place. I guess we've both learnt so much off each other with regards to our own walk with God... can never be thankful enough. :)

And yeah. Welcome to the family, number eight, if you read this. :P

Celebrated Markudesu's 30th Birthday at Holland Village's Settler's Cafe this evening. It was pretty hilarious actually... Sue planned to surprise him - he thought that there's going to be only a few people whom he's meeting... but in actual fact most of his guys were there. Char and I saw the couple walking towards the direction of the back door, so we directed the rest to go out from the front door and hide while we waited for them to enter by the back door.

Then a commotion broke out from the front. Diao diao diao... they came in from the front. Haha... but it was a surprise still - Mark didn't realise that the bunch of people standing in front of the entrance were his own guys... neither did they notice him until the very last moment. Haha...

Wanted to post some photos, but my laptop hanged a couple of times just now in the midst of transfer... so I gave up for now. Shall post them up in time to come.

Been thinking a little about friendships... read from certain blogs how close they are with their groups of newly found friends... and how "it is friendship" when they actually fear or dread the parting. I wouldn't use the word envy... but somehow I did ask myself why I never did experience that kind of feeling when I was younger. Hahaha... but ya lar. That feeling came for me before my first cell multiplied. Somehow I realised that when various people are first put together for the first time and you get to know them fresh and you spend a whole lot of initial time together... that seems to be the recipe for bonding? Haha... I wonder if there'll ever be an opportunity for a lil' nostalgic reunion in the future... :P We still see one another here and there but it's just different bah.

And somehow I'm having that same feeling all over again for a bunch of people I never imagine I would have such feelings for. And yet I know the time will come, sooner or later... and I know that His plans and will outweigh whatever feelings that may be personal.

His timing... it's something I've grown to trust. That He prepares the heart enough... that He sends people and does the necessary preparations before allowing more things to bear.

And yeah. To know that friendships stand the test of time regardless of place or purpose.

Let alone the family in Christ. :)

Okay. Sleep time... hope to wake on time to finish packing. Till then! ;)

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I've come to a point where I realised I have to do some consolidation on my life. It's been an amazing journey I must say... how God has been leading me through the various directions which I never thought would have been possible.

I enjoy meeting up with the various student teams and coaching them towards the goal of completing the projects... I enjoy shepherding the youths in ministry towards the goal of finishing the race well... and for all that was discussed with Gpp before our lesson in the evening today, I'm beginning to see a clearer direction... and to know wherefore my passion lies in.

Certain tough decisions to make... certain roles to relinquish... not knowing how to go about it. Perhaps I shouldn't have agreed to certain roles in the beginning, perhaps there was a tinge of a personal agenda inside... but for all the currents that are churning within, I know I have to make the decision.

There are so many things that leave this feeble heart unsettled.

Then again. The possibilities of what lies ahead... they're nothing short of the word awesome.

Frankly? I really have absolutely zilch idea how Pa is going to lead.

And I can only pray... lead me on Lord... lead me on.

I know Proverbs 3:5-6. But really. It's really true that it's only when you're in the zone of utter lossness that you realise what it means to trust God. And this is what faith and hope is about - trusting in His promises that they'll come to pass in His beautiful timing.

I'm really but a wretched man.

And perhaps that's why He's given me understanding of the word "grace".

You know Le-ann Rimes' "How Do I Live"? It goes something like How do I live without you... how can I ever, ever survive.... yeah. I've reached a point where I really can't imagine how life without God can be like.

Then again, I know of people who've got Him in their lives and yet are able to live apart from His existence... and I ask myself, have I gone through those periods before? The answer is a resounding yes.

See. The beauty of journaling and self reflecting - having answers pop out at you as you process things through... Haha. Lift them up to Jesus... commit them to Jesus... point them to Jesus... encourage them towards Jesus... show them Jesus.

Was writing a chorus... but stopped somehow - didn't felt like it's going to end up into a full song.
Yep... shall end this post with what's written:

Come lead me on, 'cos I know I can't make it
Empower me, Lord I know You're strong and I'm weak
Lord You're all that I need...

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Shall be having my very first In-Camp Training (ICT) this coming Wednesday till next Friday evening as an operationally ready national serviceman (ORD personnel). Just took a look at the training schedule... and from the looks of it, it should be a stayout till next Tuesday, where there'll be a full troop exercise outfield. Woo... time for weapons and combat rations again, which I've not touched for a number of years since my previous vocation as an instructor in the school did not require me to attend outfield activities.

Tinge of excitement yet apprehension. Haha... but yeah. If it's really stayout, that means nothing much will be disrupted 'cept that I'll have to miss a class next wednesday evening.

And there's IPPT!!! MATI LIAO! Hahahahhahaha...

Time to dig out my duffle bag and say hello to my helmet, sbo, boots... Hur hur.

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Okay... really don't know when I'll receive technical help for my website... so in the meantime, here's where all the latest rantings shall be stored for the time being. When there's something worth jotting down on cyberworld, I'll have to I guess. Haha... :P

First and foremost... I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU'VE DONE IT NUMBER 5!!! Gosh I teared lar when I unwrapped the present to the very last piece of newspaper... I really didn't expect that... really. I mean. The price of it aside. GOSH. And somehow you knew exactly the design some more! Man... I know you really wanted to see me unwrap it... but if I did it there and then, I think I would have jumped like a jelly bean lar!!! Hahaha oh man. It's been a long time since I've been so surprised and touched!! First you hit my primary language with that curvey note and then a gift with so much thought put into it! THANK YOU BROTHER!!!! Haha... now I can take the white one into camp and leave this one for future usage! Thank you thank you!!! :D

I received a comment in my songs depositry site:

Much thanks for the song "Never Forget", it has indeed given voice to us and our post grad feelings haha; was glad that e council had adopted your song as one of the school songs! They taught the 07 batch the song along with the others, and this was sung on the 07 orientation campfire night :) Cheers and all the best!

Really didn't expect the council to adopt the song in the end... Eight years... Haha. Still brings back fond memories everytime I hear and play it... and I pray that it'll be a song that'll give Hwa Chongians a place to contain their memories... as well as a reminder to keep in touch. It's amazing that with two more years to 2009, the core group of guys and gals in 99S31 still keeps in touch and meets up every once in a while. :)

Thanks to the fellow Hwa Chongian for the encouragement!

("We're In This Together")

I realised that I've encountered this phrase many times over the past two weeks in the major settings and portions of my life.

The first one's with regards to the relationship I'm in with Char. It's amazing how in such a short time we're called to weather some storms together... to know that ultimately God is in full control. Am just thankful that we're called to build each other up... and the amazing thing is that He'll often use the imperfections in us to His own advantage. We're in this together.

Told one of my project groups the same phrase as well as I see how the group leader's struggling with getting the team down to do their work; he has such enthusiasm and fervour to work on the project that it really seems unjustified that he be laden with group members that are currently seemingly unmotivated and not exactly working. Really hope that things will finish well with this team - this boy deserves nothing less than a completion of the project.

IDT (Intentional Discipleship Training) officially officially started two days ago on Friday. There are commitments to keep to, spiritual disciplines to practice each day (bible reading, journaling, prayer, etc)... lest it all sounds so sterile, it is a personal relationship with God that each of us want to grow deeper in... what the intimacy brings forth, we'll only know when we draw closer. And I'm just thankful for this group of brothers whom I can keep accountable to... and it just struck a chord when Matthew mentioned that phrase again. Haha...

Started the second discipleship group within TMS, the group that I'm shepherding... and frankly, I felt so lost over it I prayed that He must (and must and must) be the one speaking to them, over priorities... over commitments... and I must say we are off to a rather good start. I think it's too early to gauge the seriousness of each member for now... only time will tell... only He knows. 2007... so many changes, so many choices to make. I always stand at the edge - wanting to give advice and yet hoping that God will speak directly to them with regards to the decisions that they have to make for themselves.

I think Number 5 is so much better in articulating his feelings with regards to his love for his loved ones. It's ironic that I actually am the reserved one. But in this case, since he's paved the way, I'll have no qualms to let the world know that I love my guys very much... very, very much (please God let none of them see this! Haha...). Oh wells. Then again, I've learnt that to love also means to be able to let loose and let go... and ultimately, no one has jurisdiction over the choices they choose to make... and I'll just have to learn to continually trust in His love, sovereignty and will... that should it be so that any of them fall down or fall away, He'll be there to pick them up and keep them within boundaries of His arms.

It's interesting... as how Char puts it, that how He's making me feel so helpless to know that there's really nothing much I can do for the people I love around me... and He's topping it off with an in camp training this coming Wednesday.

You want to know the funniest thing (in good ole Peter fashion)?

Nothing beats when He personally tells you... that "we're in this together."

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." - Joshua 1:9

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." - Matthew 28:20(b)

Hmmm... not funny actually... Nevermind. Heh.

;')

1: We're in this together... let's weather these together with Him hor? :)

2: Really so sorry I couldn't stay to talk today... meet up soon k? You're a really dear brother... whatever you're going through or feeling about yourself, look unto Him and see yourself in His light, hao mah? ;)

3: I don't know... there's just this constant fear that you may just get yourself too busy and overcrowded that you may eventually crowd Him out. Well, it's going to be a constant test of trusting in Him on my side. Haha... I know He has plans to prosper you. :)

4: Apologies for making you starve your way through in the afternoon... but yeah. You know what's the funniest thing? Hahaha...

5: Expectations upon expectations... Praying that as you grow in intimacy with Him, He'll lead... and you'll follow. :)

6: I know things may be a complete blur for you right now... but really, we're in this together man. Continue to trust... He'll make straight your paths. :)

7: From an idea and concept to a relationship - that is the transformation that I'm praying and hoping that He'll make it you in time to come... press on brother. :)

8: It's really been great knowing you... you're one of those whom I've met not for long and yet it feels like I've known you for ages... Haha. Praying that He'll watch over you as you embark on this new phase of life Mr. Botak!!! :D

9: Hoping that you're having a great trip and a great development! Hahaha...

10 (applies to more than 1): I'll wait for that day to come... :)

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I'm supposed to be sleeping; went to bed (still on the bed actually... Haha) at about half past eleven after logging in a journal entry (I keep an offline prayer journal)... planned to wake up at half past five for a morning jog, a time of bible reading and thereafter, some work. Somehow... I just couldn't get to sleep. Not that the things bothering me are keeping me awake... you know, sometimes you really just can't get to sleep and your body feels totally out of place in bed, warm and all.

Looks like the jogging's gonna go down the drain... Hmmm. Perhaps I can shift that to 11am or so and try to get a little tan from the afternoon sun... but who knows, Pa may decide to let the rain continue on till then. Haha...

Counselling psychology lessons resume tomorrow evening; had a pretty brain wreaking week trying to process through and write the developmental psychology paper... which, by His grace alone, has been completed as of 1pm the previous day. Was to do an analytical study on Julaiha Begum, the woman who plotted her own husband's assasination. Printed the cover page... then realised that I made a typo mistake - it became Lulaiha instead of Julaiha... waste paper. :| Hur.

The analysis serves as a reminder, at least to me, that underneath the present problems presented in any particular person lies a root cause, which may actually date all the way back to his or her birth. This lady did not experience love of any kind since birth - no parental love, no friends, no people who cared and showed concern of her life... it wasn't stated that she got into bad company. Even then, she grew up bitter, hungry... her mindset remained that of a child's even though she's in her 40s...

Just confirmed that one of the boys I know is involved in a gang. Knowing the family he's in and the notority of the school he's in, it's inevitable that he mixes with bad company. Peer influence is that powerful.

I wonder if things would be the same if his folks actually showed care and concern and not just merely provide... I wonder if things would be the same if he was allocated to another school instead of his current one. I wonder... if things would have been different if I could have followed up on him the year he cycled into church and service himself... and not let time slip by a year before he returned for a brief moment.

It is in times like this I have to come down... and trust in God's sovereignty... and plan. That He'll protect him... that one day He'll draw him back to Himself.

I believe in vindication. I believe that as long as the end isn't here yet, there is hope. I prayed a year ago that ten years down the road, I will see this brother serving God faithfully... and even though it doesn't seem anywhere like it currently, I know that I'm just called to keep on praying... and trusting.

Yeah.

On another note, there's this song that I uncovered in my player last saturday as I was making my way to one of my students' house:

BE THE CENTRE
by Michael Frye (Vineyard Music)

Jesus, be the centre
Be my source, be my light
Jesus

Jesus, be the centre
Be my hope, be my song
Jesus

Be the fire in my heart
Be the wind in these sails
Be the reason that I live
Jesus, Jesus

Jesus, be my vision
Be my path, be my guide
Jesus

Be the fire in my heart
Be the wind in these sails
Be the reason that I live
Jesus, Jesus

Any Christian can understand what the lyrics mean... actually, I think anyone can undersand what they mean... in the mind, that is.

But only those who seek to grow in an intimate and personal relationship with Him will understand it on the heart level.

I had the privilege of closing in prayer after a kindered-hearted time of sharing; was led to read Philippians 3:7-14... read it in the King James Version. Being familiar with the passage, I felt the same surge of the Spirit within as I read... but somehow halfway through as I was reading (and now I wonder how I multitasked!!), a part of me started wondering... what happens to those who don't really understand royal english? Will it become a matter of the Holy Spirit working in you to understand the passage... or a matter of educational status... of reading literacy?

Just some thoughts.

If only everything can be put down and articulated in words.

[ My Utmost For His Highest | 07 Jan ]
INTIMATE WITH JESUS

Jesus said to him, 'Have I been with you so long, and yet you have not known Me, Philip?' - John 14:9

These words were not spoken as a rebuke, nor even with surprise; Jesus was encouraging Philip to draw closer. Yet the last person we get intimate with is Jesus. Before Pentecost the disciples knew Jesus as the One who gave them power to conquer demons and to bring about a revival (see Luke 10:18-20). It was a wonderful intimacy, but there was a much closer intimacy to come:"... I have called you friends..." (John 15:15). True friendship is rare on earth. It means identifying with someone in thought, heart, and spirit. The whole experience of life is designed to enable us to enter into this closest relationship with Jesus Christ. We receive His blessings and know His Word, but do we really know Him?

Jesus said, "It is to your advantage that I go away..." (John 16:7). He left that relationship to lead them even closer. It is a joy to Jesus when a disciple takes time to walk more intimately with Him. The bearing of fruit is always shown in Scripture to be the visible result of an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ (see John 15:1-4).

Once we get intimate with Jesus we are never lonely and we never lack for understanding or compassion. We can continually pour out our hearts to Him without being perceived as overly emotional or pitiful. The Christian who is truly intimate with Jesus will never draw attention to himself but will only show the evidence of a life where Jesus is completely in control. This is the outcome of allowing Jesus to satisfy every area of life to its depth. The picture resulting from such a life is that of the strong, calm balance that our Lord gives to those who are intimate with Him.

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A religion-driven Christianity sees a person bulking up on knowledge to justify one's faith and doing, reaching out and putting up one's best self in order to affirm one's own faith.

A relationship-driven Christianity sees a person yearning to know more in order to know Him more, reaching out in love with the conviction of the eternal destiny each person has, doing one's best to live an authentic though imperfect life in order to glorify His name.

"For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise." - Psalm 51:16-17 (KJV)

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It's been sometime since I felt the way I felt in the midst of service this morning.

From the time of pre-worship... to the time of worship... to the message... to the call.

Psalm 27:4... be Thou my vision... the heart.

To top that off, He divinely allowed this young brother to sit behind me, someone whom I've only met once last year who isn't able to attend youth service due to his many commitments. As we welcomed one another before the message, I was thinking if I should stay back a little bit to chat up and pray for him.

The service ended... I was actually still contemplating while the people streamed out of the sanctuary... then I turned around. The people in his row all left... but he was sitting there bowed down, praying. At that very moment, it struck me that God must have spoken to him through the message... he finished, looked up and we chatted... prayed. Knew from him that he and his teammates won the first round of "The Arena", the student debate competition with a twist (... ke bah bah! :P).

It stirs my heart to see a sixteen year old boy attending service by himself, praying quietly by himself... and considering that he stays quite far off and he attends the earliest service usually... in my heart I just hope that God will grant him the fellowship of kindered spirits. But ultimately, that he'll enjoy the joy of intimacy with his Lord.

But at the same, I'm reminded of the many commitments in school that bombards him... as well as the rest.

And it really boils down to what each of us perceive as important I guess.

I confess that I've never had very consistent quiet times... nor do I spend extended times journaling, praying... decided to a few days ago. I think whatever happened in the midst of service this morning - the closeness, the connectivity... it has got to do with the time spent.

I'm just glad that this time round, I have more than one person whom I'm keeping this accountable to.

The joy of intimacy with Jesus... it's something unspeakable, indescribable. Caught a little glimpse today... hope to catch more in time to come.

You're invited too. :)

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I wonder if it was right of me to confess that I'm a really insecure brat... insecure in a sense that there're times it's really hard to trust that things will be alright... that there's always something you can do, or prevent...

Yet at the same time, I acknowledge that only in my insecurities can I go to Him time and again to surrender, to trust with all my heart and not lean on my own understanding...

Ultimately...? I'm reminded to take care of my own walk... and my own personal relationship with Him. This beautiful walk. ;)

And yea... as I messaged Char this morning to relay the joy of spending time with Pa the night before, it struck me... that He's continuing the accountability pact that was formed prematurely four years ago.

And then I'll never forget how He'd even laid down foundations for His work through this puny life even before I actually came to know Him...

His grandoise plan I don't think I can ever fathom... but whatever that's ahead that He's revealed, I pray that I be faithful to follow them through.

I am still trying to figure out the verse He's laid in my heart for this year. As in, He's already given... but I'm still trying to process it through. But if I'm willing to trust that He'll follow through, then by the time 2007 ends, I should be able to see it bah. :P

Time to take a shower... and spend some time. :)

(add on)

If only when one learns to trust then one will experience the peace that surpasses all understanding... somehow, caught a little glimpse of that, of something just being lifted off the chest. Trust, obey, surrender... so hard and yet when done brings you to another level... level of knowing that He's who He says He is. Sovereign. Faithful.

TAKE IT... TAKE IT.

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We were having a belated birthday treat for Dori from dad when Dori asked me a rather perculiar question:

So... have you followed up on your boys?

I took a double take, thinking that I heard wrongly... cause there aren't any new guys to follow up on at this point. Then she went on to clarify the question in light of some of my guys going through some transitions - from secondary two to three is one (aiyoh... sounds mathematically wrong)... but the main one has got to be from secondary four to junior college or polytechnic.

I didn't have the experience as a Christian to talk about these transitions... but I do know that there're significant changes in the later mentioned transition. The two guys from my group come from all boys school... so yea, now they're in the midst of more female counterparts. Hahaha... but yeah, it's more of the schedules and activities that'll inevitably increase.

Both of them aren't attending youth service tomorrow - one's having his orientation activities and campfire... the other one's having his orientation group outing.

It's time for the kite to fly and for the string to be slack. ;) If anything, it gives me the avenue to trust Him... and them, that they'll learn to move as He moves. God is ultimately in control.

Five years ago I understood in my mind what my church's mission statement meant... five years later, I understand what it means experiencially:

Covenant Evangelical Free Church is a disciplemaking church that extends God's Kingdom in Singapore and beyond, multiplying Christ-centred disciples who master their life's transitions through biblical discipleship.

Which is why discipleship is important... to build upon a firm foundation is important... for when the wind blows, the house that's built on sand will collapse. The evil one will not stop in his age-old distractions, deceptions and delusions... and the only way to counter that is a firm grasp of the faith... having that living, personal relationship with God.

2007 will be exciting... as with 2008, 2009... I know my God is faithful... and I know they'll all be alright.

:)

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真心的感谢你，MY FRIEND
05 January 2007

当我们第一次见面
可没有想象有一天
竟然会为了这份友谊掉一滴泪
这些年收藏的回忆
一幕幕展现脑海里
才发现有许多故事令人怀念

酸甜苦辣喜怒哀乐我们齐体验
故事写到这个段落
说声谢谢
我们会在相见

回想起第一天的时候
四处都是陌生的脸孔
随着日子慢慢认识你们
有你们作伴我不寒冷
就在这个熟悉的地方
我们印下脚步不可忘
知道有天我们会再见面
Till the day we meet again
真心的感谢你，my friend