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Have some time before my very last relief teaching session this season in time... so here I am. :)

It does take time for people to get to know one another... so this time round, I really didn't get the chance to know any of the students in the eight classes by their names... let alone know them.

Looking back, I'm just thankful that I was given the opportunity to know some of those whom I taught in the previous batch a little bit more, and to have them saying hello as and when we happen to meet in school. People like Gordon, Jerry, Bohan, Alex, Shaojie... not forgetting those from the teams that I'm currently coaching as well. Appreciate the acknowledgement from you guys. ;)

Patrick and Andrew (the brother who mixed my song in Patrick's second album "Unto You") came down to assist Chris' church in one of their album recordings... had the opportunity to meet up with them again and catch up over dinner at Long Beach seafood restaurant at East Coast. OH MY... I think after so long, my liking for crabs has finally been kindled! Haha... but yeah. Am reminded that that is not a lifestyle that I can afford or called to pursue... perhaps once every huge blue moon bah. Thank you brother Chris for the sumptuous treat!

Caught up with Patrick and Andrew a little more over at their hotel room after dinner... was a good time of fellowship and sharing of the things upon our hearts. And yeah... a fully arranged album should be in the works this year... finally. Hope that He'll use it to bless and reach many more when it gets produced. :)

Haha.. just nice - time for the last teaching lesson this season!

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That my schedules these two weeks are IMPOSSIBLE!!! Lalala...

Haha... on a brighter note, I'm not exactly feeling the rush... and trying to do all things out of the restedness He's so graciously given. :)

Hokay, time for showers then it's off to school, then project meetings, then night lesson! Woots!

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And so I did a jog the evening before... wanted to konk out but ended up spending a meaningful night settling some project matters and chatting with some students over msn.

I do wonder how many of them would eventually really stay in touch. This one, only time will tell. :P For one, even though I've only taught them for slightly less than a term in a subject that'll most probably be forgotten as they move on, it'll still bring a smile to see them grow and eventually graduate and move on bah. :)

Was on the bus just now on the way to work when this song played over the player... one of those moments in public when I had to hold back tears. The lyrics hit so hard... Hur hur hur.

I'm a SIAO DING DONG! That's why I SING SONG! :D

CRAZY
by MercyMe

Why I would I spend my life longing
for the day that it would end..
Why would I spend my time
pointing to another man..
Isn't that crazy

How can I find hope in dying,
with promises unseen..
How can I learn your way is better
In everything I'm taught to be..
Isn't that crazy

I have not been called
to the wisdom of this world..
But to a God who's calling out to me..
And even though the world may think
I'm losing touch with reality
It would be crazy
To choose this world over eternity

And if I boast let me boast
Of filthy rags made clean
And if I glory let me glory
In my Savior's suffering
Isn't that crazy

And as I live this daily life
I trust you for everything
And I will only take a step
When I feel You leading me
Isn't that crazy

I have not been called
to the wisdom of this world..
But to a God who is calling out to me..
And even though the world my think
I'm losing touch with reality
It would be crazy
To choose this world over eternity

Call me crazy
You can call me crazy
Call me crazy

I have not been called
to the wisdom of this world..
But to a God who is calling out to me..
And even though the world may think that
I'm losing touch with reality
It would be crazy,
It would be crazy,
It would be crazy
To choose this world over eternity

Isn't That crazy..
Call me crazy
You can call me crazy
Call me crazy

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I'll most probably go back home after work today, do a long overdue jog... then concuss for the rest of the day.

Hur hur hur... :P

(24 March 2007 - Saturday)

It has been a long time since I've walked that stretch of road... wasn't confident in finding my way to the destination at first, but as I stepped down from the bus and started tracing the path, a sense of deja vu took over and it was almost as if my feet were on autopilot mode, knowing exactly the routes to take.

There was a period of time some years ago that I used to frequent this path quite a bit... as I was walking down it on saturday again, certain memories returned... and it gave me a good laugh at myself. Haha... Those foolish days. I don't think I'll ever have that kind of strength to replicate all that I used to do in the past in youth ministry... and as I looked back, good or bad, I can only attribute those times as a phase that He's brought me through.

It was a good time of catching up with a dear brother after his little performance. :)

(25 March 2007 - Sunday)

This week's sermon's very, very timely. The cloud of oppression is very real in my life personally... but thanking God that it's lifting. :) A thought flashed past me a couple of days ago when I realised that the finals for "The Arena"'s going to be held that day, that David would most probably skip service... so it was really a good encouragement to see him at the 8am service still - with his entire family this time round. :) Actual screening of the finals will be this coming Tuesday at 8:30pm on Channel 5 - do catch the good fight!

Senior Zone WEB group was great - really encouraged to see them warming up to one another and having fun with the games and learning in the midst of them! :) WEBBERs (youth peer leaders) meeting was great too (I think my brain has shut down for now - realised my lack of adjectives) - Sue shared the passage about Mary and Martha... and out of the time of meditation and contemplation came a simple song that sums up what I really have to sing each day...:

Here I am O God
Sitting at Your feet again
Still my heart, make my ears attuned
to listen to what You'll say

Here I am O God
Sitting at Your feet again
I've chosen what's better in life this day
to worship and hear You say

I'm in a season whereby I really have to make an active choice every moment to follow and obey, to trust and have faith. It's not that I didn't have to in the past... but just perhaps, that in this uphill climb, it gets more difficult as you progress.

And the only way to get past that... is a deeper conviction of sin in life and a greater devotion to Him who loves me.

I'm beginning to grasp how much I actually don't know about the word "grace".

I'm like a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the oceans...
A vapor in the wind
Stil You hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
and You told me who I am...
I am Yours...

With joy and thanksgiving. :)

(appendix)

Today's classes were alright... students were quite responsive in getting the task done. Will only be taking them for one week though... and with no namelist whatsoever, don't think I'll really get to know anyone of them. Ah wells.

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Do you ever have times you know that you're in sinking sand and yet you refuse to pick yourself up... or perhaps you just can't find the strength to?

I've been wilfully regressing in many aspects.

And whenever such seasons come, I'll always remember the song which I wrote and recorded in my hostel room back in NUS then. "I'll Sing".

Holy God, won't You be my guide
Leading me into Your light
Father hold me close
Never let me go
Let this heart be wholly Thine
Holy God, won't You come inside
Seal this wilful heart of mine
Jesus You're the song I'll sing, eternally
Till the day we finally meet...
I'll sing...

Love can suddenly seem so foreign... I can really understand what it means that even encouragements can fall to the ground when one's in a world of his own, not that he choose to be there.

But yah. As the title of the entry goes... it's in the past tense. God made His love very tangible through certain people... and though the backlog of readings seem so daunting, I've decided to carry on from today's readings.

:)

Having a quick lunch before lessons. Till then. :)

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There was this bunch of youths behind me as I was walking home from work just now... I was crossing the road when I heard one of them randomly shouting out curses to someone's dad and mom and family and what nots...

It really reminded me of yesterday night's lesson.

And I wonder if this particular youth has ever really gotten his bucket filled before.

His love bucket.

Human relationships are intricate as such. You can't possibly go up to that youth and hug him and tell him that God loves him or you love him for that matter and expect things to take a hundred and eighty degree turn for the better.

Because love doesn't remain just in words... but in action.

Everyone of us has a love bucket. It first gets filled by parents, then by relatives... friends... and community.

For some, you turn the tap of the bucket and nothing drips out.

And they can't be put to blame.

Because they never knew what love is.

The silence from emptiness in the bucket gets so loud that they decide to overturn the bucket and shut themselves out. The outer shell hardens to conceal the emptiness within... because they know that there's really nothing inside of which they can give.

As the lesson went on yesterday night, I wondered where God is in the bucket. So if someone comes with an empty bucket and acknowledges God's presence in his life, does that mean that his entire bucket can be immediately filled by "God" and that the person will be able to start to love others?

Then the word jumped out - Community.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. 16And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother." - 1 John 4:7-21

I believe that God does not withhold the blessings of community from those who do not believe... but it is only through a faith community that we see people drawn closer to Him.

And as I looked back... I can only give thanks for the many people He's sent to love, guide, teach... till the point He took over and made His love so real in my life.

:)

Jayden Smith, Will Smith's real son, cracked an all familiar joke in the movie "Pursuit of Happyness". He recounted that there's a man drowning in the sea praying to God for help. A ship sailed by - the crew wanted to pull him up but he rejected the offer and insisted that God would help him. Another ship passed by and the crew offered help... and he rejected it again.

When the man went up to heaven he questioned God and asked why God didn't help him.

"I sent two ships to pass by... didn't you see them?"

:)

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I think this is what He calls His body to do yea... hand holding hand, running this race together, picking one another up in times of need, encouraging one another and spurring one another on in spite of circumstances and difficulties... :)

Thanks dear for taking the time to accompany Dori for her bone marrow test despite your thesis monster (hur hur hur...). Thanks Minfang for being around for Dori... thanks too to Huifen, Dori's cellgroup leader, who stayed throughout, and the encouragements that poured in from various others... and the many prayers.

She was still pretty much awake when the procedure was being done... so she actually felt the pain and the scraping of the bone marrow. Thankful that she managed to get some rest after that.

The results should be out by the end of the week... if anything, we know that everything's in His hands. Asking for prayers in this sense isn't a sign of a lack of faith... just as a dear brother pointed out - that we know that things will be alright, that things will fall in His rightful places... and that doesn't mean that we don't continue to pray, because ultimately, prayer draws us closer to Him individually, and prayer in itself is an exercise of faith, no? :)

I have to confess that I have been missing out on quite a number of days' worth of readings. With so many things going on now, it's a wonder how I am to organise my time and be disciplined... work's taking a little (just a little bit for now la) toll on me, and I'm in a season where time is literally of the essence. This is something that I have not used for a long, long time... just this once okay. TIAN AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hahaha....

But yeah. I was really pleasantly surprised how a mass conversation on msn can brighten up an evening for me. Really encouraged to see how the members of the new WG are interacting and organising impromptu outings. :)

It was a productive morning in terms of work... just hoping that I won't get thrown back with more rounds of amendments of the same things again. :P

Returning to relief teach from tomorrow onwards... can only work on the powerpoint slides (ho ho ho) when I get back from my evening lesson tonight. Lesson's on low self esteem today. HO HO HO. Hahaha...

Thanks ultimately be to God... for being faithful, for loving me... inspite of who I am... inspite of who we are.

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It has been quite some time since I've last spent extended time with my sister... we spent the whole day together yesterday. Both of us enjoy singing, so kbox-ing's (karaoke) a natural choice. Realised that my key went up a little - those songs which keys I couldn't reach the previous time fell into reachable range this time round... yay. :P

Then we took a long bus ride elsewhere and caught "The Pursuit of Happyness". Then we had a good dinner before we left for home.

The movie's based on a true story... a great show with many learning points. Chris Gardner's life story is an inspiration of faith and hope. :) But I'm not sure if it's the show we should be catching this season in time... because it kind of hits it home. It can be quite depressing if it isn't for the perspectives that I currently hold... Hahaha.

Having faith and hope doesn't mean that one sits around and does nothing... not that God doesn't help those who don't help themselves, but we ought to do our part.

The time spent after the movie was quite sullen and quiet... I think Dori sensed it. But yeah, I was like a thin water bag that'll drip with the slightest opening in the pores.

Dori's going for her bone marrow test in about an hour's time. She'll be put on general anaethesia before the doctor obtain a sample of her bone marrow for tests.

I know she's dreading this day... I know she's hoping that mom will be there to hold her hands.

Please pray... that the peace that surpasses all understanding be upon her.

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First off - my main site (now I post both on worshipsingapore.com and multiply.com - which mirror-posts to livejournal... Haha...) has been down for the past two to three days due to some problems in the way the files read in PHP - the scripting language which is used to display the different sections together in a page - the header, sidebars, etc - which are stored in different files. Not quite sure what happened, but it just happened that the linkings stopped working, which resulted in the entries showing without the header, sidebars and footers. A temporary measure has been implemented for now - pasted everything back into one template... the only drawback is that it'll be a little bit messier for me to do updates... but yeah. If you don't understand this entire paragraph it's totally OKAY. :P

Been rather busy these days trying to finish off some assignments and projects on hand... returning to school next week to do relief teaching on top of project coordination - it basically means that I'll be spending quite a substantial amount of time in school the next two weeks... and after which I'll be back home to finish off other stuff... not to mention that I have a written assignment to complete by the first week of next month. Woots! It's been a long time since I've used this word! Woots! Hahah...

Find myself getting physically worn out these days... like now. :P So I shall try to keep this short. Just thought of jotting down some thoughts on all the recent happenings for me in youth ministry.

It's weird, but I'm finding myself having the need to transit as well amidst all the changes - from leading an all-male group of wacky 13 - 14 year olds and seeing them grow through their adolscence to leading a co-ed group of 17 - 18 year olds now - it's something that I forsee as a challenge... and no, I'm not going to use being an introvert as an excuse anymore. :P It's hard though communications wise - cause it usually takes me more than a normal amount of time to warm up...

Funny thing is, that amidst all the challenges that loom ahead and all the comfort zones that I know have to be trampled upon, I know I have a sovereign and faithful God who'll see everything through. Got to admit that I haven't felt this discouraged in ministry life before for a long time... but in times like this, I'm prompted to look back... and then it dawns upon me all over again... that He'll be faithful. :P

With so many things raining down in all areas of life at this moment in time, I can only count on His grace. It's scary though that I've more than one person asking why I look so gloomy - the immediate word that came was in the form of a question - why is your face so downcast? But the funny thing is whereas my face projects that image, I was more of stoning... I guess. :P But yeah, Char's intepretation seems to be it, that whereas my mind has been settled with regards to the million and one things, perhaps my heart and my soul hasn't... and it results in that kind of countenance.

In which case, I hope that the smiley face will return soon. :)

But really. I love the Senior Zone. I love "The Redeemed", "I love City on a Hill", I love "In the Potter's Hands"... I love my WEBBERs! ;) Today we had a combined zone photo taking session - gosh it really does look like a class photo taking. :)

One thing that Markudesu spoke off that struck my heart - that the youths do not need another friend out of me... but more so a leader (not a direct quote), because they have no lack of friends... but definitely a lack of leaders in their lives.

In as much as He empowers me to be a leader and a friend, I give thanks. As degrading as this may sound to a non believer, I know I can be neither if it's not for Christ in me.

John 15:5 is internalized - that apart from Him, I can do nothing.

I love You Lord!!! :D

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I first knew of the word when I read a report in LA Times covering a competition which I was a part of. That word was actually used on me... Hahaha...:

"Jeroen Jansen, Galvin Sng and Cameron Taggart collaborated across three continents to produce their entry, "Volcanoes Online." Jansen, a 17-year-old high school student from the Netherlands, recruited Sng, a 16-year-old from Singapore, and Taggart, a 19-year-old from Yakima, Wash., on the ThinkQuest site.

"One day I was just feeling bored, so I sent [Jensen] a message and said, 'OK, I'll do that,'" Sng said. "Some days I stayed up until 3 a.m. working on it. My parents were quite angry in the beginning." But Sng was vindicated when "Volcanoes Online" was selected as a ThinkQuest finalist." - LA Times, Valley section, 24 Nov 1998

I never thought I would see or use the word ever again... till I read Psalm 24 years back... and it wasn't till much, much later that it struck a chord in my heart so hard.

"The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it;

for he founded it upon the seas
and established it upon the waters.

Who may ascend the hill of the LORD ?
Who may stand in his holy place?

He who has clean hands and a pure heart,
who does not lift up his soul to an idol
or swear by what is false.

He will receive blessing from the LORD
and vindication from God his Savior.

Such is the generation of those who seek him,
who seek your face, O God of Jacob."

- Psalm 24:1-5

And the only reason why I'm writing about it again at this very moment... is that the past week's readings have been pointing me to it again.

That God's sovereignty will be proven true when it comes.

Jesus remained silent and made no answer on many occasions when he was hurled with accusations and charges... because He knew what's to come, and He knew of the futility in explaining to those whose hearts were so hardened.

I am reminded again that the love which He speaks of isn't one that's only spoken or written of... but it is one that has been demonstrated by Himself on the cross of Calvary.

That I can love... because I'm loved.
That I can bless... because I've been blessed.
That I can give... because I've been given.
That I can forgive... because I've been forgiven.

"When I'm afraid I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afriad. What can flesh do to me? For you have delivered my soul from death. Yes, my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life" - Psalm 56:3-4,13

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First off, thanks to all who prayed... Dad's eye mini-op was okay - he has to go for his next one in a month's time. The laser serves to coagulate the broken blood vessels behind his left cornea so that they don't further blur his vision. Diabetics are susceptible to this condition called retinopathy, whereby vessels behind the cornea break and cause the vision to blur... and it'll eventually lead to blindness. So in a sense, dad has to go for regular checkups to ensure that broken vessels are arrested and coagulated. Do pray that they don't keep on breaking... cause it can be quite a painful process, the op, that is.

Dori's finally done with her final assesments in school - it was a hectic past few days for her... and both dad and brother had to hectic together with her. Hahaha... she's got a few days to rest before she goes for her bone marrow test next tuesday. Do pray that her general anesthesia will work and that she won't feel too much of a discomfort... but more so that the results will turn out favourable.

Mom... I dreamt some time back that she's actually up and about talking and walking away... an aunty who drops by from time to time to minister to mom told me she had the same dream too... :) It's been close to two years since I've last heard her voice or walked with her or had a meal with her... hehe. You know what.

I am one step closer towards knowing why faith ranks as my top spiritual gift consistently over the years.

It's not about rationalising bad circumstances so that life can be better lived.

I realised that being a Christian really requires a radical change in perspectives - a seriously huge paradigm shift of mindset that we humans can't achieve on our own. It is purely His grace that our minds get renewed as we grow in our relationship with Him.

To know that all things work for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose... the "good" which may not exactly be defined according to the world's standards. More of knowing that everything's in His sovereign hands... that He holds the future, that ultimately everything falls within His masterplan.

Whatever the onslaught, come what may...
I know His grace is here to stay.

Char and I had out tuesday night out this week at Ivins, the peranakan eating place at Binjai Park. I'd been there once to pass no. 1 his 19th birthday gift three years ago but didn't have the chance to eat the food. Gosh... this is one place with good food at really affordable prices!

Much of the night's conversation was centred upon friendships... how it really takes effort and great pains sometimes to maintain them.

Cause people change... circumstances change... sometimes circumstances are such that it's really hard for friendships to be maintained...

Looking back, it's still quite unbelievable that I used to have such close ties with certain individuals back in secondary school, junior college, my first cellgroup... only to find these ties either broken or distanced. I still meet up with some of them from time to time, but it's just not the same anymore.

Come to think of it... I haven't been taking the pro-active role of keeping friendships alive. Friendships are usually formed circumstancially - a bunch of people sharing a common thing at a common point in time (in the same class, club, group, etc)... and how it grows henceforth (especially when the commonality is taken away - graduation, multiplication, etc) depends on how both parties will want to work on growing the relationships.

I'm just thankful that apart from God, there are dear friends who have been relentless and selfless in keeping the ball rolling in our friendships... and I must say (and I will not say enough of it), that the Kakis are one bunch that I really don't deserve.

Thanking God always for you brothers... and a sister. ;)

It's not easy for me to arrive at a point in life that I know that true friendships are God given - they can't really be manufactured... and they can't really be measured by the closeness I feel with others.

Crunch times reveal a lot. And as I told Char that I would most probably respond to a lot of people's crunch times, I wouldn't expect them to respond to mine - sometimes it just happens so that it'll always be a one-sided affair on human ground... lest we forget, that we're loved to love, blessed to bless, given to give.

:)

Hey... I know things can be quite messy at home right now for you. Cling on tight to Pa okay? Sometimes we get so caught up in our present situation we tend to forget what He has already done for us... trust and believe that He'll see you through this season and the many more to come kay?

Press on!!

... and life is worth the living because HE lives. :)

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The last batch of 500 cds just arrived from Kuala Lumpur... substracting 5 from backlogged orders, there remains 495 copies of the cd.

Check it out . ;)

Many thanks for the support to those who'd placed orders and gave many notes of encouragements along the way... always thanking God for using the songs to minister. :)

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I can't even bring myself to ask why.

This is the start of the week where students will come my place to work on their projects... the first group's coming in half an hour's time.

And I'm already tempted to call everything off.

Dad called this morning to say that he'll have to undergo laser for the blood clot in his left eye, else he'll go blind. He just called to say that it's two thirds done cause it would have been too painful to have everything done in a day.

Then Dori's bone marrow test's in another week's time.

And mom's like that...

Uncle John smsed me just now... "Will certainly keep your family in prayer. Feel free to call and talk and even to cry. Be strong."

Can't even bring myself to cry.

It's overwhelming... and definitely not fun to be the only healthy one around in the family. The feeling is indescribable.

Not to mention that I'll have to go on to bring in the bread and butter.

Going down to fetch the guys now.

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Sounds delicious ya! Haha... The next few weeks requires an extraordinary portion of God's grace, mercy, strength for me to pull through - everything seems to be happening in the next few weeks all of a sudden! Some urgent design job to complete, students coming my place to work on their projects as we move into the final stretch towards the deadline, the many events coming up... Dori's bone marrow checkup...

I'm just mindful that when such a period comes, I'll find it hard to meet up with people to chill or catch up. Ah wells.

Looking forward towards mid April to come!!! Haha...

I had just finished my rounds at the bukit batok stadium when I heard a person calling from behind - the first question he asked me was how old I am. Haha... he (Mr. Ng, a D&T teacher, avid runner) noticed that my legs tend to turn inwards espcially at high impact portions of the run and warned me that it will not be good for my knee cartilage in the long run - I may eventually end up not being able to walk properly... and not be able to climb stairs.

Shocked man! Then we realised that the problem lies in my mizuno shoes which has already worn out...

Which means. Oh money money fly... but yeah. This is one necessary investment I have to make if I want to continue running. And it's amazing how he said that I can run! Think he saw me did my last minute dash... Haha. Don't think I'll ever go into compeitive. Leisure bah. And then he turned to another person and asked him how his timings' been... then I realised that person's U. K. Shyam, our national sprinter. Haha.

Got to catch a lil nap before waking up to pack my room a lil and get some work done.

Please pray for rest in every essence of the word. Thanks!!

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IDT = Intentional Discipleship Training

It's not really bible study... the format of IDT is such that everyone meets up every Friday with a learning session with our senior pastor and after which we break up into our DGs (discipleship groups) for further discussions, sharing and prayer. This course requires each of us to keep a daily consistent reading of the ESV one year Bible and fill in a "discipleship journal" each day with what we've gleaned, which to date has really been a challenge and yet a great blessing.

As I filled up the summary form the day before, it dawned on me that I'm into a stage where I really can't do without God. As with the song that's been sung through the years, He truly is the air that I breathe... and my daily bread. Though the amount of time I spend reading and praying do not exactly co-relate to what I mean in the previous statement, I really can't think of the scenario where He's out of the picture of my life now.

And as I dwell a little longer into the reasons... I realised why.

Because He's become my purpose for living.

Because He is the reason I live for.

Because apart from Him, I can do nothing.

My identity is pegged to Him.

Sometimes I ask myself why it is so hard to relate to people who do not believe... not hard as in I can't talk to them about anything else... but just that it's hard to get that kindered heartedness.

Hahaha... I wonder if I'm making any sense.

There are parts of me which I don't like of myself, parts that I'll rather do without, thorns in the flesh that I'll hope that He'll take away.

But come to think of it. That's why I am able to identify with what Paul says, that God's grace is sufficient... and that His strength is made perfect... when I am weak.

How great our Daddy's love for us... how deep beyond all measure.

And unless we have a good understanding of it in our hearts, it'll be hard even for Christians... to draw near.

And I'm in that place once again... I'm in that place once again.

:)

Worship leading in youth service later on... Pray that He'll lead. Because Galvin doesn't know how to lead a band, neither does he know very much the technicalities... or how to lead people for that matter. Pray that Galvin will simply worship... and worship simply.

I wonder why I'm welling up.

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I should have known when He gives such a word the day before ya... :)

Dori's doctor requested for dad to accompany her for a last minute appointment with him... dad couldn't make it due to work (and he accompanied mom to hospital just the day before for her neuro checkup), so I accompanied her down to SGH this afternoon.

Well... I guess in her heart she's kind of prepared to hear some not so good news. I was more or less prepared too I guess. It was still a pretty rude shock though when he revealed the jump. The bad cells shot up from 1% to 21%... a twenty-one fold increase, even with constant medication. He arranged a bone marrow test two weeks later for her to ascertain her blood test results... and it looks like increasing her dosage is the way to go for now.

We paid the consultation fees at the counter and left... walked towards the food centre. She was commenting that it would be so much easier if she'd a bone marrow transplant back then and given five years of no complications she would have been cleared as healed... and I was reminding her that we didn't exactly find perfect matches, and that we may have to contend with rejected marrow... she quickened her pace and went into the toilet without saying anything.

I found myself a pillar, laid my entire weight against it, stoned... surged... almost welled.

Really hoping that the results are errornous.

(separate and not so separate issue)

And it dawned on me that with the way that I'm the one managing the bulk of the bills, groceries, meals... it's really hard for me to project into a future where I can start my own household.

Just don't understand what's so hard to live below means when I've taken the bulk of the expenses and still try to keep a saving...

It was mom who taught me how to save... it was her who encouraged me to open a save-as-you-earn account when I entered National Service. She went through a lot which I'll wish to write them down here... but I guess there's a limit.

Until I know I can have enough to support and maintain a family, I won't... lest I be irresponsible.

But hey. Such is the journey... and it's weird I know, but it's really a journey of faith, clinging unto His promises, to know that things will eventually be alright, which sometimes may not match up to the world's perspective of it's definition.

And ultimately... what can compare to what He's already given?

GIVE THANKS

Give thanks with a grateful heart,
Give thanks to the Holy One,
Give thanks because He's given
Jesus Christ His Son.

And now let the weak say "I am strong."
Let the poor say "I am rich."
Because of what the Lord has done for us...
Give thanks.

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Just a short post to share some reflections on my readings... wouldn't say that this interpretation is in the context of the passage, but just as the analogy of coal turning to diamond and the clay under the potter's hands spoke to my heart, God spoke through this verse in the same way:

"This is how the lampstand was made: It was made of hammered gold—from its base to its blossoms. The lampstand was made exactly like the pattern the LORD had shown Moses." - Numbers 8:4

That God is our Master Craftsman, that we're all His hammered works, according to the pattern that He's laid down. I'm reminded that life is a constant process of moulding, shaping, hammering... and sometimes it really requires those necessary hard knocks to make out the required shape that'll form the final instrument... knocks that will seem to break the unfinished product. But knowing that everything is according to the pattern He's laid, we can be sure that we'll eventually end up how He wants us to be... and be sure too that He'll always be there doing the moulding and hammering.

The school of hard knocks... a place we're all enrolled in. Yes, psychologically (coincidentally, it was just touched upon in tonight's lesson on depression... haha), having a firm belief system in our lives will allow us to make better sense of bad circumstances, pain and suffering. In this sense, really couldn't be more thankful enough... but to put everything in perspective, it's only by His grace... that I can be in the right place. :)

Ending off with a few paragraphs from today's "My Utmost From His Highest"... hope it ministers to you as much I'm ministered to. :)

March 7, 2007
The Source of Abundant Joy

"In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us" - Romans 8:37

Paul was speaking here of the things that might seem likely to separate a saint from the love of God. But the remarkable thing is that nothing can come between the love of God and a saint. The things Paul mentioned in this passage can and do disrupt the close fellowship of our soul with God and separate our natural life from Him. But none of them is able to come between the love of God and the soul of a saint on the spiritual level. The underlying foundation of the Christian faith is the undeserved, limitless miracle of the love of God that was exhibited on the Cross of Calvary; a love that is not earned and can never be. Paul said this is the reason that "in all these things we are more than conquerors." We are super-victors with a joy that comes from experiencing the very things which look as if they are going to overwhelm us.

Huge waves that would frighten an ordinary swimmer produce a tremendous thrill for the surfer who has ridden them. Let's apply that to our own circumstances. The things we try to avoid and fight against - tribulation, suffering, and persecution - are the very things that produce abundant joy in us. "We are more than conquerors through Him" "in all these things"; not in spite of them, but in the midst of them. A saint doesn't know the joy of the Lord in spite of tribulation, but because of it. Paul said, "I am exceedingly joyful in all our tribulation" (2 Corinthians 7:4).

The undiminished radiance, which is the result of abundant joy, is not built on anything passing, but on the love of God that nothing can change. And the experiences of life, whether they are everyday events or terrifying ones, are powerless to "separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:39).

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Thanking God for His grace... that despite being totally drained out and my inability to focus entirely on reading today's readings, He still spoke... at Island Creamery some more. HUR HUR HUR... simply put, I had an issue which became a struggle just the day before... and immediately in today's readings He gave the answers. THANK YOU!!!!! :)

Met up with two project teams in the afternoon... and yeah. Some point in the midst of it I suddenly felt the way Char feels about her thesis, which she's having anxious thoughts of from time to time, that she may not be able to come out with something substantial by the deadline. It came across as weird for me for one... because I'm not a student participant in any of the teams. But at the same time, it's just this nagging feeling inside... not wanting to see any of their efforts go to waste since they're already at it.

I can see the efforts put in, the trying, the doing... but perhaps I'm just imposing the kind of commitment that I placed in the same competition years back unto them... and find that they're not giving the competition the focus and attention they ought to be giving. AND SO... I realised that it's my problem after all. Wahahaha... :P

Some of the teams are in fact doing fine. It's definitely a bonus should any of them win and we get a trip to San Francisco (I really don't mind... REALLY.) to attend the awards ceremony... but I'll be glad that they'll be able to complete the work and be proud to call it their own. Let's see how it'll all go in the next forty days or so. :P

Originally wanted to park myself at Capitol's Starbucks to do my readings... then Char called before I left the vincinity of the school. Then we ended up doing our readings together at Island Creamery... after a banana split. Hur hur. Pineapple tart flavoured ice cream with real cookie chucks... everyone should go and have a try. :)

God's love and grace never cease to captivate. :)

I've learnt something over the past two days as well (thanks partly to the wisdom bestowed upon Char)... that sometimes it's really impossible to strike up genuine friendships with youths... because somehow the age gap becomes a barrier to them... which isn't really much to me. Well.

That's why I treasure every friendship I have with those much younger than me, those who not only look upon me as a leader/teacher... but also as someone whom they can talk freely to. Not much... can count by one hand. Haha. ;)

(ending off)

On another note, there has been some rather interesting conversations going on in my junior college class journal (that's how we've been in contact over the many years)... and all I can say, is that I be faithful to pray and continue to stand in the gap. Will be posting some snippets of what I wrote in the next entry.

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It's amazing how one can feel so melancholic in a moment and then switch to that of a joyful countenance in the very next. Me lor. Haha... really didn't know that the effect of surrender comes so quickly!!! I was quite vexed some moments ago... then I came to a point when I heaved a huge sigh and gave up - gave it up to Him. And then I was reminded of a post that I was supposed to have written on Friday... and then came a smile on my face! Hahaha...

"The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride." - Ecclesiastes 7:8

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." - Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

No one stipulates how fast or slow we should run in this journey... there're times we know we have to slow down our pace, there're times we can afford to pick up pace... but never stop running.

Because it's a mountain we're climbing... and gravity works against us.

And ya... never run alone. :)

Okay... I confess this entry is cut supershort. However it speaks... I'll leave it to Papa. :)

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Once a month I'll have to miss service and ministry on Sundays to stay at home and take care of mom while aunty witwit takes her day off... today's such a day.

Was doing my daily readings at the dining table facing her room so I could see her and she could see me... from time to time I'd look at what she's doing - there're moments she'd look unto the ceiling... moments when she looked at me... where we'll smile at each other. Haha...

It's been nearly two years since I've heard her voice... since I've heard her singing "jin jia ho" so chirpily... I'll be in denial if I say that I don't miss her voice. It's only when you've lost it... then you start to miss it. Even her naggings... Haha. Couldn't help it... teared again as I thought of the past while looking at her... it's a constant begging to see her able to stand up by herself again, to walk again, to talk again... for her to be fully restored. I know that should it not be the case this side of eternity, there is the other side to look forward to. But being a carnal human being... I'll continue to ask and beg for a miraculous physical healing.

Thanks to all who've been keeping my mom in prayer. :)

The senior zone had their new groups orientation in church today... Glad that they had loads of fun!! :D

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(part 1)

I was on the way to catch up with a young brother (who has since become pretty dear) in the morning when this song started playing in my player. It's so true... that "there are a thousand reasons why I should give up... but I'm stubborn in the things I believe"... Haha.

It was a good catch up - he'd just gotten his 'A' level results... wasn't exactly good in the world's eyes, but his response to all that's unto him... it really speaks of a personal relationship he has with his Almighty - an assurance and trust in the future that He's laid down for him. Though the road ahead's so filled with uncertainties, we have His track record to believe in, a certainty and hope we can look forward to.

What's after good results? Good job... promotions... higher salaries... good retirement? Been hearing of working professionals going to pubs to unwind and let loose after day's worth of stress at work... perhaps they've concluded that there's nothing much to look forward to in life anymore?

God's relentless love spans so many generations since the beginning of time. I've never read the book of Levititus (a book in the old testament portion of the Bible that's chooooooked full of laws, statues, rules, regulations...) in this light before... but after spending time to digest small chucks each day (thanks to IDT ah)... it's amazing to realise that simply - No Love, No Leviticus. Why on earth would a Holy and Almighty God waste so much breath and time to lay down such detailed instructions of cleansing and offering?

It speaks of that relentless pursuit of a relationship with His children that He can do without. All the laws laid down... all the offerings explained, so that man could draw himself nearer to Him.

It was an interesting finding that God would put all the tangible benefits of following His decrees first in the following verses:

"'If you follow my decrees and are careful to obey my commands, I will send you rain in its season, and the ground will yield its crops and the trees of the field their fruit. Your threshing will continue until grape harvest and the grape harvest will continue until planting, and you will eat all the food you want and live in safety in your land.

'I will grant peace in the land, and you will lie down and no one will make you afraid. I will remove savage beasts from the land, and the sword will not pass through your country. You will pursue your enemies, and they will fall by the sword before you. Five of you will chase a hundred, and a hundred of you will chase ten thousand, and your enemies will fall by the sword before you.

'I will look on you with favor and make you fruitful and increase your numbers, and I will keep my covenant with you. You will still be eating last year's harvest when you will have to move it out to make room for the new. I will put my dwelling place among you, and I will not abhor you. I will walk among you and be your God, and you will be my people. I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt so that you would no longer be slaves to the Egyptians; I broke the bars of your yoke and enabled you to walk with heads held high."

- Leviticus 26:3-13

Notice the order: crop harvest - abundance of food, peace in land - security at home, victory against enemies, increase in numbers... THEN.... "I will walk among you and be your God, and you will be my people."

I really don't know why He has to list His presence amongst His people as the very last "benefit", so to speak. Lest there is no specific significance to the order... but if I may see it that way, it just makes no sense since that one way surpasses all the others. Best for last?

Texted Char to share the findings... and she texted back something that realy makes a whole lot of sense.

Because God knows that at the end of the day, people may still cling on to the tangible blessings of God, His provisions, His protection... and He knows that to them, His presence perhaps may not matter as much.

May we continue to strive to love the Lord with all our heart, soul and mind... the Giver... and not the gifts.

(part 2)

Was a little discouraged in the afternoon in the midst of the service... sometimes I really hope I can turn down my senses (it really likes to pick up nuances and tells me of things not that right in people's lives)... but at the same time I am reminded that I am not responsible for anyone's walk - each person has to take responsibility for his or her own walk... if not there'll be no growth. Can only pray that breakthroughs will come...

I know it's going to be tough in the long haul in youth ministry.

But then. I know I have a choice... but it always turns out to be no choice. Doesn't make sense right? NEVER MIND... Hahaha. When His love compels... when He calls you to act upon burdens... perhaps it'll make a little sense. :P

(part 3)

Rushed all the way back to Hwa Chong to attend the College's Talentime '07 "TalentRoccia" with Char after youth service. Was walking towards the entrance when Jun Jie suddenly popped out of nowhere and said hi... Haha. It was a good performance put up by the contestants... the format was quite similar to that of Catholic High's Talentime, 'cept that there was sms voting! Jaw drop! Haha...

Was treated to some pretty good vocals and dances (Peter we are so going to attend your dance concert)... and guest performer was alumnus Chen Diya - this year's project superstar's female champion, who's also champion for the 2003 Talentime. Music Clinic's Anthony Png (Fang Lao Shi) was there as one of the judges... the way he so subtly sold Music Clinic to the crowd in the midst of his speaking... hats off!

Had dinner/supper (dipper, sinner - :|) at the stretch of food houses opposite beauty world... decided to have teochew porridge in the end. We had a really meaningful and insightful conversation where we got to know a little more about ourselves... of which I am really thankful for. :D

But come to think of it, maybe I shouldn't have ordered the hei bi hiam... so oily. :(

(summing the week)

God is good. His love endures forever. He is faithful despite of all the stupid and ding dong stuff I do. Through the readings I realised how relentless this love He has for me (and for you too) really is... and though there's nothing I can do to match that kind of love He gives me, Lord willing, He'll let me strive towards loving Him more and more each day by obeying Him in His Word.

No magnifying glass is needed to see how imperfect a person I am... someone who's not good at communicating with people, someone who slacks, who doesn't deliver things on time all the time, who still holds negative thoughts of people, who tends to judge...

Ah... such grace that He showers upon His children.

(and then I wonder sometimes...)

I wonder if it ever happens that some people read my site and I happen to read theirs (through my hoppin'... hehe) and that we don't exactly know each other... and that this goes on without us ever knowing that we read each other's writings. Haha... just a thought.

(and ya...)

I had this sudden gush of thankfulness in my heart when I saw these two brothers (one smiling, one acting lala as always) in front of me after service... willing and yearning... yet struggling. That's really the liao(4) [material] for discipleship. :P

(now for the song)

EVERYTHING IN ITS TIME
by Corrinne May

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer,
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time

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It's such wondrous joy to know that people you knew in the past came to know the Lord along the way... and even a greater blessing on this side of eternity to be able to be reconnected with one another! :)

This joy is something that can't be explained... it's not like "oh... you're Christian too ah." But it's always encouragement and joy... like, I just got to know that two of my secondary one and two classmates' fellow brothers! And there's just this joy within that can't really be explained!! :) Thanking God for leading you here, Yonghui! :P

It was the same when I knew that one of my junior college classmates came to receive Jesus into her life years after we've left... and yeah. Will be eternally grateful to see the rest of them come in time to come.

It's funny I know... but really, nothing beats that joyous feeling in the heart when a person you know prays to receive Christ. :)

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"Of the 1,553 students surveyed, a worrying 420 said they are already having sex. And in the survey, more than two-thirds, or 1,210 of them, said yes to the idea of pre-marital sex." - New Paper, 02 Mar 2007

God... help.

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Unlimited Access.

Broadest bandwidth.

Perpetually on... no downtime.

Made free for all at a really huge price.

Are you tuning in already...? :)

Shall keep this entry short - gonna send in some dedications. :P

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Today's counselling psychology lesson's on the topic of loneliness... actually I've been secretly looking forward to this topic, because it's something that's pretty much upon my heart, not just because of the field I'm called to to work amongst youths, but also because I used to be very susceptible to that in the past. Not that I don't feel lonely from time to time - it hits us one way or another as a "feeling"... simply because we're human beings.

But first, a little update on the update I presented at the staff meeting today. Presented the problems identified about students not taking the initiative... something that kind of puzzles me because this competition is after all voluntary - not that they're forced to take part. Boss' response is that if they're not initiated or motivated, then I shouldn't be working with them at all - I should be working with those who're passionate and motivated to do their best for the competition. He very much reflected my thought process... I personally want that so very much. But it doesn't help that such students don't exist in great numbers for now. But yeah, come to think of it, they do exist... but as for now, as the teams gear towards the final deadline on the 16th of April, I'm just hoping to see them pick up the pieces and piece them together... and as presented, that we may all finish well for this year's competition. Jiayou teams!!! (as if any of them will read this... hahaha)

Okay... back to the topic. Some quotes flashed through the lesson:

"No one would choose a friendless existence on condition of having all the other things in the world." - Aristotle

"The end comes when we no longer talk with ourselves. It is the end of genuine thinking and the beginning of the final loneliness. The remarkable thing is that the cessation of the inner dialogue marks the end of our concern with the world around us." - Eric Hoffer

"It is loneliness that makes the loudest noise." - Eric Hoffer

"Life dies inside a person when there are no others willing to be-friend him. He thus gets filled with emptiness and a non-existent sense of self-worth." - Mark R. J. Lavoie

"The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration." - Pearl S. Buck

What exactly is loneliness? We were asked to try to define it in our own words... "Feeling when interaction or the lack thereof fails to engage the heart, when needs are not met".

You can be in a sea of people you know and still feel lonely. You can be in the midst of a happening group of people, and yet you have no one whom you can really talk to when you want to... and sometimes it's not because no one wants to listen... sometimes it's just a lack of connectedness... and sometimes you just can't find yourself to take the risk to open yourself up.

And there are situations where the loneliness is predisposed by the past... poor childhood bonding or attachment with primary or secondary caregivers (eg parents).

Children brought up neglected do not get to learn interpersonal skills or coping mechanisms and skills. Ever wonder how gangs form? With all the cultural shifts and all... we have this term locally called "latchkey kids", where children are left in their empty home with their parents working. I personally asked one of them before... and he admitted that he joined because he felt lonely. At least you find "brotherhood" in a gang - but I personally think that it still boils down to the same at the end of the day... because two or more lonely people do not make the atmosphere less lonely - in this case we won't find positive synergy.

Violent families predispose violent kids... Parents who neglect their children predispose lonely kids... Thankful for how He's used youth ministry and this course to speak. Providing a loving and safe environment to cultivate healthy growth... it's so important.

Personally, I'm beginning to realise that my perceived inability to articulate myself verbally leads to many other things... of which loneliness is one of them. Mmmm... shall write about it more in the future - I guess I'm pretty much set with regards to what to write for my next assignment already. :P

But yeah. All I can say... is that it's been a amazing, amazing journey. Sounds cliche I know... but with Jesus by my side, and a road that leads to somewhere certain... and with throngs of brothers and sisters running alongside, and though there are times I may fall, feel the whole load of weight of inadequacy and loneliness crashing on me... I know I do not have to fear, for He is with me... He will uphold me with His righteous right hand. :P

因为有你主...我不寂寞，也不惧怕。哈利路亚! :)