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*clearing cobwebs and dust*

Hur hur hur...

It's hard to explain this season that I'm in... but yeah. It's very much a season of yet another transition, of many uncertainties, of having decisions to make, of comfort zones to be trampled upon still.

No... I'm not abandoning the frequent updates of my journal... it's just that I haven't got much to write the past few days... decided to consolidate and write one over the weekend. ;)

Yesterday I received the same message twice - once as a question and one a statement. The first one goes... "You've gotten thinner?". And the other one goes... "You've gotten thinner." Haha... Well... it's something that I'm really thankful for - it's probably the first time that I actually stuck to the discipline of exercising everyday with a rest day every week... and yeah, the results are getting more evident by the day. Hur hur. :P There was a period of time when I experienced huge inertia to start the workouts... but thank God, that period was over. It's becoming better times spent as well... popped by ARPC's (Adam Road Presbyterian Church) website and downloaded their sermons to listen while working out. Talk about multitasking. :P

Thankful for the couple of catch-ups this week, with 5 on Thursday, 10 on Friday and 2 on Saturday... I must say that I always learn from our meetings even though they're so much younger (sigh... quarter of a century... it's still quite... unbelievable. :| ). It's heartening to see them journeying along on this road at such fervency and age. :)

Till more thoughts come around... :P

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Found this in the midst of searching for some resources... :)

Serving young people on their life journey.

Helping them respond to their call to become human persons.

It is not making them persons... Like a parent who cannot "make" a child. We are not the source of existence of another person.

It is not giving values... We can only witness to those values

It is not teaching... Each one has what he needs to learn already within him.

It is not developing a person... He has the resources implanted in him.

It is not making them conform to a pre-established model... Each person is unique and original.

It is not giving them the faith... That is a gift to be received

It is a journey one shares as a companion and a brother, in solidarity, loyalty and total openness to share the gift of life. It is love at its best. It is walking with a person to the point where he/she discovers that within him/her is a presence of the divine.

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Click on the picture to visit the site. ;)

Yeah, this is one project that I've been busying myself with the past couple of weeks... it's monumental not just because it's a site done for a really dear brother who's terribly, terribly stressed out right now (hahaha... aye, all in His hands okay brother? ;)), but also because the end of this project marks something new in the area of my freelance work.

Yesterday's IDT (Intentional Discipleship Training) was great in more than one way. Firstly, I got punched in my face really heavily (if it's physical I guess I would have ended up in hospital) through the message spoken... it happens so many times that the things spoken are just the very things pertaining to my current thoughts and struggles about the future, fianances... etc. Where I live determines how I live... and I'm reminded of kingdom perspectives, that I have a God whom I can trust as I entrust the road ahead to Him, planning and walking along the way and being attuned to His leadings.

Where will I be five, ten years down the road... when I turn thirty... thirty five? It's a balance between living our days step by step and also looking very much into the future, for it's unhealthy to live in either extremes - living for the day and not having plans and goals to work towards, or working so hard towards the goals that you forget you've got a life to live.

The picture He paints five, ten years down the road is beautiful... it's up to me to trust and obey. :)

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Hohoho... it has been five days since I've last updated... think it's high time. :) No, I am updating not because I'm indebted to the readers who peruse the site... (I do wonder if there are people who actually come by and reload the site daily and realise the pretty unusual lack of updates lately... hur), but I realise that it's dangerous to fall into the trap of busyness and the lack of reflection. So... here I am... short spurts of updates though. :)

Char and I celebrated our first anniversary together last monday. :) I must say that God has used this relationship over the past year to teach me many things, to reveal things about myself that were blindspots, to have a greater understanding of the love languages and how real the differences were... and ultimately, He reveals His love over and over and over again. And for the length where we've journeyed together, I must say that He's graciously placed us on the fast track in the area of understanding one another, in the area of giving and receiving... and growing together. And seriously... I wouldn't trade the times for anything else. :)

ThinkQuest deadline was in the wee hours of tuesday morning. Two of my teams got disqualified because they did not submit some documentations on time... and I gather that a couple more will be disqualified because they did not submit their projects properly. Well... the personal objectives set were met though - this is afterall the first year the school's officially getting back where much of the particpants are rookies. My personal experiences and the article below tells me that some of them are on the way some time down the road:

"I competed in my first ThinkQuest competition when I was in fifth grade. In retrospect, the entry was a good start, though it left much to be desired. Our website lacked uniform navigation, had a crazy multi-colored background, and incorporated many features that seemed like a good idea at the time, but now seem ridiculous—such as an animated trail of letters that followed the mouse cursor as it moved around the screen (my mom said it made her "dizzy").

Since then, I have participated in three more competitions, and each website has turned out better than the one before, eventually bringing me to ThinkQuest Live as part of the winning "A Dollar A Day" team."

- Asif Rahman in "Student's Persistence Leads to Victory", ThinkQuest News Articles

I don't know how the perseverance streak was incalcated in me back then... all I knew after the first failure was that I ought to try again, team up with the right people, put in the effort... yeah.

Proverbs 13:4 – The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied.

Some have a very misunderstood viewpoint of Christianity, that it is very much a faith inclined towards "providence" and not personal efforts and hard work. Personally, God has spoken much through the recent verses from Proverbs, that no one should be sitting by waiting for money to drop from the sky, but that diligence and hard work are involved in our everyday lives. The only difference in the interpretation of providence here is that we do not attribute the things we’ve gotten as our own work, but His provision, and that diligence and hard work are attributes given to us by Him.

Ultimately, I am reminded that the crux of the matter is pride. Application wise, am praying that He constantly gives me the diligence to work, and to live the way He wants me to be.

I must confess that I have been quite preoccupied with my family finances lately... sometimes I did hope that He would have opened my eyes earlier to understand financial planning, but on hindsight, I can only give thanks that the habit of saving at the very least has been incalcated in me by my mom as I grew up. Coming from a family history of a lack of financial planning, it may be very tough times ahead... all the more the need to be prudent... and trust. My sister didn't have insurance when leukemia struck her when she was twelve... my mom wouldn't have any if it wasn't for the dafault central provident fund insurance that the government opts in for everyone.

Well well.

Luke 19:2-7

Chief tax collector Zacchaeus was seeking to see who Jesus was, but he was blocked by the crowd as Jesus passed through Jericho. He climbed into a tree to see him – Jesus spotted him and called him by his name. Zacchaeus received Jesus joyfully into his house.

Here was someone who didn't know who Jesus was. He might have heard of Him, but he personally didn't know. When he knew of Jesus coming his way, he was seeking to know Him. And when he was called, he received Him joyfully into his house.

This reminds me of the promise that those who seek Him shall find Him. And He's reminding me that there're a lot people out there who're seeking, whose hearts are already prepared by the Lord of the harvest.

And I really hope that everyone whom He places along the path of my life be presented with the critical point of decision.

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My love language is words of affirmation... written words of affirmation. It was further confirmed just now when I went back to my house's letter box and found some letters addressed to me amidst the normal bills and what nots. It just brings delight to the heart somehow even before opening up the letter to see what's inside. Haha...

One was a card with a cheque enclosed. Another was a cheque. Wasn't a lot of words... but my heart stirred much nonetheless.

To all who'd and have been contributing to my family's medical expenses in one way or another - thank you so much, the financial aids, the prayers, the encouragements... though it's still hard to envision how things will go in the future... learnt a new word today! AKHAREETH!!!! Hahaha... I know who holds the future... and I know who holds my hand, my dad's, my mom's my sis'... :)

And yeah. I'm not trying to solicit written notes and letters and cards and what nots... but I won't mind!!! :D Wahaha...

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Okay... I'm in school now waiting for my project group to arrive - guess it's high time for an update! :) Haha... yes, I'm coming towards the end of the second half of the two impossible weeks and I am very looking forward to the days to come... especially from this saturday till next tuesday! :P Haha... 16 Apr's the submission deadline for the competition... that day holds much more significance for something else though. HUR HUR. :)

I must say that it really has been a journey with the student project groups... of which I learnt something as an observer (having taken part in the same competition before many years ago, it's impossible for me to have this revelation in such a manner), that it is really important to have a leader who leads, more so the heart to lead. It doesn't matter if the person's not a natural leader or if he's an extreme introvert (WHAT SAVING GRACE!!! hur hur hur...), but as long as he has the heart and passion to see a project / vision / ideal to completion, the team will move along.

And I guess that was how it was many years ago when I worked on the competition... Hahaha come to think of it, underestimation of self (or rather, of who He is in me) has and perhaps will always be a foothold I'll have to consciously give up and overcome, to really know that greater is He who is in me than he who is in this world. ;)

Thankful for the teacher-student relationships that are working out... and for those who abuse the leniency given (calling by first name when they don't even know me personally), hope that one day they'll understand. It's ironic still to think that the class which I first had a not so good impression of turns out to be one that I'm pretty much keeping in contact with, with the students respecting my position and yet having that free channel of communication. That class happens to have the same initial as my name! Haha... and the individual pockets of people... and then there's this boy who bows ninety degree. :| Haha...

Okay. Team has arrived. Actually wanted to drop a post to remind myself of something I just heard which struck a deep chord:

"Prayer is the petition of the poor"

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven...

Until we declare ourselves poor... it's hard... hard.

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02 June 2007: KelTan & Grace [media + ...]
02 June 2007: Chon Wee & Joy
07 July 2007: Kiat & Michelle [backup vocals]
29 December 2007: Mark & Sue [brother!!]

Hahaha... Gosh how time flies! This shall be the year with the most weddings to attend... but more significantly, they're people who are close to the heart. :)

I can still remember that I was walking down Paradiz Centre towards Peace Centre when Kel called and asked if he should pop the question and ask Grace to be his girlfriend that day... OH MAN. It has been THAT long! Haha... God's grace permeates these couples' lives... as individuals and as couples. It's a joy to see them walk through this journey the past few years and now finally tying the knot. :)

And it's an honor to be on the brother-roll for Markudesu... first time!! Haha... it's been a joy and privilege to serve alongside this dear couple in the senior youth zone... though sometimes I become a little bright (hur hur hur)... Hehe. It's been a journey for Mark having witnessed it the past couple of years, as much as he knows how much of a journey it was for me. Appreciate all the open sharing of your life bro, the prayers, the pointers... for being one of the prominent lightning rods in my life. ;) And I seriously think that this will be the very first that we'll see a lot of youths participating eh? ;)

No other implications whatsoever for writing this entry. Hur hur. ;)

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Taking a breather after dinner... Shall spend some time packing my room after this. Yeah, it's in a mess again. It's funny how a person who likes zen-ish designs manages to stand this kind of clutter... so in a sense, I'm a generally neat person who has a good treshhold for messiness. And now that line has been crossed... it's operation cleanup again.

Not to mention, I'll have to sieve out mom's prescription in order to buy her medicine - she's ran out of it. Oh messy room... clean up yourself! *POOF*. Yeah... right.

With Projects' Day and deadline for ThinkQuest coming up, the atmosphere's picking up. I'm not quite sure if I can place the procrastination label on all that's going on now... but I'm just heartened that most of the teams are doing work, especially the lower secondary teams. They may not exactly have the best of skills, aesthetically, technically and research-wise... hoping that their efforts will pay off. :)

Okay... break ended. :P

Oh yes, before I go, Dori's bone marrow test results came out... the relapse is confirmed, just that the bad cells percentage dropped from 21% to 15%. She'll have to increase her medication dosage from the current four to six pills per day. Do keep her in prayer, that God will continue to be her strength and guide.

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Today marks the end of the first week of the impossible two weeks. One more week to go... huff puff huff puff. Hahaha. Relief teaching this season ended on a pretty good note with the classes managing to understand the basic programming concepts (I hope...). Shall be busy meeting up with all the ThinkQuest teams these three weeks as they rush to cross the finishing line on April 16th, which happens to be a very important day for me as well. HUR HUR HUR... :P

Fishbone Cafe went well the night before. I must say I was a little disappointed that a friend of mine couldn't make it... oh wells. The next one then. :P Decided not to be the photographer for a change and played host to a table... of people, I mean. It was a fun night chatting and playing games... and it definitely feels different without a camera hanging over my neck. ;P

Had a lil' chat with 8 as we were walking home from a late supper together with my sis, josh, jon and 9 after clearing up... and it dawned on me that the very fact that I'm involved in youth ministry and all... nothing but His grace. I'm not a natural when it comes to talking, breaking the ice, interacting... I guess passion causes people to step out bah. :)

Aunty Witwit's on off today... so I stayed home to take care of mom. Took the time to finish off my assignment (previous post... hur hur) admist other work. Hopefully this kind of productivity lasts!! :D

Okay. Quite a haphazard and frivolous post actually. Shall sleep early and wake up to a nice brand new day!

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Q1. Personal Issue: Depression

When I think of the word "depression", it brings about a mental image of an illustration I came across in my secondary school history lesson on the Great Depression in the States – a sad looking globe compressed from the top, out of its original spherical shape. Depression to me is as such – that a situation out of the norm occurs, be it a sudden occurrence or a chronic progression, which throws you out of perspective and control of life for that particular moment or period in time. You suddenly find yourself in the deepest valley of the shadow of death, not knowing if there is anything good to behold anymore for the future.

No one is really spared from this "common cold" of mental problems (Toke, 2007, p. 62), that even as a Christian who takes faith in the sovereignty of God and knowing that "all things work for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes" (Romans 8:28), I am reminded that I am not spared from the things that plague the world, and I wasn't.

I personally went through a very dark period of my life spanning about half a year – from June 2005 to December 2005. It was then when the world literally came crashing inwards, when I was thrown into utter confusion and was on the verge of isolating myself totally, had it not been for the grace of God that He placed a few individuals to stand by me through that season.

As I took time to reflect upon the period of time, I realized that the reason for depression could not be attributed to any one singular event. It was more of a culmination of issues within myself, with the depression triggered by the sudden onset of an unexpected event – my mom's brain hemorrhage. I was initially comforted that God actually gave me a verse from the Bible a day before it happened:

"For in the day of trouble, he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock." (Psalm 27:5)

Still, as the days progressed and as I pondered upon the many things, I found the symptoms of depression creeping in. There were many occurrences when I was walking to church halfway and I would change directions and take a bus to the hospital instead. I stopped serving in the youth ministry where I had always enjoyed serving in; it came to a point in time when I actually wrote a "giving up" letter to my youth worker one day in the hospital, which he never did receive, because I eventually decided not to pass it to him.

I started to deliberately isolate myself from others even though there were people who were ready to lend their listening ears. Days seemed to pass by without much meaning – it was as if I had degenerated to become a lifeless figure that drifts from one place to another.

Prior to the sudden onset, I was at a stage where I found myself having some difficulties in transitioning into adulthood. Up till now, as much as I know and want to believe that all things happen for a reason and that I can clearly see God's leading in life right now, there is still a tinge of doubt within me, questioning myself if I had been escaping from things when I should have perhaps pressed on with my teeth tightly gritted. I started off tertiary education after national service as a computing undergraduate in the National University of Singapore; it has been a subject that I had been taking ever since upper secondary school days. It wasn't very much a passion, but I saw it as a general progression to what I had been doing all along.

Halfway through the first year, it dawned on me that it is not a field that I would want to be in in the long run; coupled with factors like my struggling with the course work and the inability to adapt to social circles, I made the decision to quit and went on to study design at Lasalle College of the Arts instead.

My days at Lasalle were good in a sense that I was able to do what I am good at and it was what I really wanted to do. Life in a design school can get very hectic at times, and there came a point where I started reflecting upon the future, questioning if it was exactly what I really wanted to do for my career. I began to realize that my ideal dream of setting up my own design firm was a bit lofty – the future seemed so blur.

I guess there were many things to juggle in this little mind of mine after my mom's brain hemorrhage. I had to deal with the loss of a maternal figure in my life emotionally, knowing that I may not have the opportunity to bond with mom the way it used to be anymore. As a "mummy's boy", my mom and I shared moments together from time to time just chatting and talking about problems; what was saddening was that I had just started having a one-to-one meal with her every week two weeks before she fell.

It was a time to seriously ponder about the future as well. With all the things happening in my family and realizing that I am the only healthy one left, I knew that I could not afford to live life so frivolously anymore (or perhaps, I was just lost). I stopped school once again, not really knowing what is to come. There wasn't very much a direction, or tangible handles that I can hold on to. Life had momentarily lost its meaning for me, even though I knew that at the back of my mind that I am called to live one that glorifies God's name.

Q2. How I overcome it.

Upon reflection, I realized that I went through three stages during that period of time before life stabilized once again, more or less – making sense of the situation and accepting it, handling personal guilt and reinstating a sense of purpose to my living, all of which I have to confess would not have been possible if it was not for God. I am well aware that this paper is biased, but as I write and draw from this personal experience, I realized that there are things which I can employ in the secular setting as well, which I will touch upon later on.

Mom spent about three months in the National University Hospital before she went to stay at St Luke's Hospital for another three months or so. There were many complications to her condition that came along the way, resulting in the many procedures that were needed to be done – even till now, she has to breathe through a tracheotomy tube on her neck and be fed through a tube at her stomach. It took quite some time for me to accept the fact that she may never be able to be restored to how she used to be, that I may never have that chance to travel with her or have a proper meal and conversation anymore. It still hurts even at this point of writing thinking about that, but having accepted the current situation and entrusting the second half of the story to God, knowing that the time will come for that to come to pass once again in the future, be it this side or the other of eternity, it gives a reason and hope to move on.

Some time prior to my mom's brain hemorrhage, I received an invitation to present two of my songs at a fund raising event for Bible College Malaysia slated to happen in August 2005 at Kuala Lumpur. To be truthful, my heart was never prepared as I made the trip up with my godfather; I treated it more as a form of a getaway from all the circumstances.

It turned out to be a really humbling experience, to see how God is able to use someone whose heart was so unsettled and lost for His purpose. I presented two of my songs which God used to minister greatly to the congregation that evening, bringing many into a time of worship and tears. I was reminded on the way back home on the train that I do have a purpose in life.

It took me some time to trust that for all that had happened till then, they were all for a purpose, that perhaps the courses which I had taken were not exactly the ones that would lead me to the one that God has laid down for me. It was at such times I realized that verses in the Bible became so hard to apply and yet so real – it was hard especially to apply the words from my favorite book of the Bible, that I ought to rejoice, to forget what is behind and strain toward what is ahead, and to press on (Philippians 3).

I am thankful for the support that came consistently from brothers and sisters in the faith. There were pockets of contributions that helped ease off the immense financial burdens placed upon my family on top of existing ones. Personally, there were always people around who were standing by – it was really a matter of choice if I would respond. They did not give me advice or tell me what to do; they simply stood by, inviting me for a meal here and there just to chill, and I am thankful for that.

As much as it was a gradual process into the period of depression, it was a gradual process of getting back on both feet. I was involved in a youth mission trip towards the end of that year, and I eventually got back to serving in the youth ministry. Mom finally returned home to stay, and though many things would never be the same again, I found a sense of restedness and peace to move on, knowing exactly who is in control of everything.

To me, faith is the overarching reason why I was able to move out of the period of depression. It was not simply a matter of "just believe" – this faith was borne out of the many experiences and circumstances that I was put through over that period, not forgetting the many people that God used to play a part in building up that faith, through encouragements, support and simply being around.

I cannot be sure that I will never enter into another period of depression in the future, but I can be certain that should that ever happen, God would see me through, as He has always had, through it all. Through my years as a Christian, I have been reminded to "lay down spiritual milestones", jotting down the times when things happened and how God has always led me through time and again. His track record in my life shows that He is faithful, and with that I am able to place my hope of the future in His hands.

Q3. Based on what was taught, how would I apply it differently?

I cannot be sure that I would be able to prevent myself from entering depression back then if I had gone through the course before that, but perhaps I will be able to be better prepared to handle it. Rather, now that I have gone through the experience and have learnt a bit more of prevention and coping mechanisms, I will like to explore a bit on how I will handle it should a situation like this ever come up again in my life.

As the famous adage goes – "prevention is better than cure". I must learn to expect pain and discouragement in life, to know that there will come situations and circumstances where I may be put down. This is by no means projecting a pessimistic outlook to life, but rather being optimistic and knowing that even though such scenarios may occur, I will be prepared to face the onslaught when they come.

The insidious thing about depression is that it tends to draw one into isolation. Even though there were many people who were willing to listen and simply be around at that point in time, I realized that I had to take the step to stay in the community and not withdraw myself. This is one thing that I will have to constantly remind myself to do should it ever come again.

Cognitively, I will have to challenge whatever erroneous negative thoughts that may come to mind automatically and engage myself in rationalizing them out – although I am not too sure if I will be able to employ cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) on myself then, I know that if I am not able to, I know that there are many out there who are able to help.

Q4. How will I counsel someone who is going through the same problem as I did?

There are a few things we can look into together in this therapeutic alliance – helping the person make sense of the current situation, identify the root causes that lead to the depression (beyond the onset), accept the way it currently is, handle whatever anger or guilt that may be present, access the social support given, instill a sense of purpose in moving on, and then move on.
In a counseling setting, I am aware that I am not to become a pillar of support for the counselee, but I must constantly empower him or her to arrive at his or her own decisions, that he or she may own them and move on from there.

I will want to spend a little more time dwelling in the initial stage and try to unearth the root causes leading to the depression, which may not be evidently shown at first. As a counselor, I will want to first and foremost help my counselee make sense of all the things that are going on in his or her life – sometimes the sudden problem onset becomes so huge it blinds the person from all else that lies within; by identifying the issues plaguing the counselee, it may help him or her understand better the reason he or she is feeling depressed.

I will also want to ensure that the counselee has a considerable amount of social support given. It is important for the counselee to know that he or she is not facing the situation alone, that there are people out there who care, who will be around. Should he or she be part of a community already, I will want to involve certain individuals from there to form a support group for the counselee, perhaps gathering them for a session or two to inform and educate them on how to provide support and an empathetic listening ear to the counselee. Should the counselee be lacking in social support, I will recommend him or her to build one by being open to community.

Depending on the case and sensitivity involved, I will be more than willing to share my journey with the counselee and let him or her know that there is a God who cares ultimately.

Looking at my own journey, I realized that Christ is truly my "Wonderful Counselor" (Isaiah 9:6) in a time where I did not really seek much help. To some, they may be able to pull through the period of time eventually; some may find it too hard a time to go through and resort to extreme measures, to the point of committing suicide. I have come to appreciate the counseling process in both scenarios, to know that in the earlier one, the counselee may be able to shorten the period of depression, and to the later, that he or she may be able to see the light that is ahead.

References

Toke, F. Counselling psychology Book 2. Singapore: Counsellor's Academy