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There was a book which I came across many weeks ago while I was browsing in one of the Life Bookshops in town... Philip Yancey's latest offering entitled "Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference?". I remembered reading his "Reaching For The Invisible God" as a new Christian years back... never did finish a quarter of it - somehow it appeared a little chim back then. Wasn't until last year when I decided to read one of his other works entitled "What's So Amazing About Grace?" and found myself gaining a deeper insight into the meaning about the oft taken-for-granted word.

Bought it at SKS a couple of weeks ago while browsing for materials for some of the guys... and have been munching on it since then, albeit very slowly. I never have the habit of finishing reading books fast... let alone thick ones. But I'm trying... and I'm about two-thirds into the finishing pages.

I have to confess that desipite the many attempts along the seven years I still couldn't get down to maintaining a daily consistent discipline of reading the Word and praying, as in intentionally setting aside a portion of time to deliberate in His presence. That said, I'm just thankful for Him walking alongside all the while, always being there and never giving up on this ding dong.

This book does illumine quite a bit of my mind with regards to its subject matter... the little nuggets that are often overlooked or forgotten. Am currently on the chapter called "Unanswered Prayer: Whose Fault?". Must confess that sometimes it gets a bit wearying with all the tarrying... to see that most prayers are often left unanswered: I'll never know if these brothers will eventually turn back to Him, if this brother will one day realise the immense love He has for him and choose to commit his life and time in the proper places, if this friend will ever come to Him, if she'll ever realise that it's not in the material blessings that makes who He is, if he'll ever learn to manage His resources with wisdom, if she'll ever be totally sold out for Him, if He'll ever bless him with a partner to run alongside, if he'll ever be entirely healed of his condition...

To bring it closer to home, I really don't know if mom will ever walk again on her own or verbalise her thoughts... I give thanks for every positive sign of improvement - she has just gotten a smaller trachey tube - the doctors are finally trying to wind off the breathing tube on her throat by giving her one that's smaller in diameter. I don't know if Dori will ever be completely healed of her leukemia condition... she's just recently increased her dosage of medicine due to a relapse, and now the doctor's wanting to see her sooner due to some discrepancies in her test results stemming from her kidneys... so much uncertainty. And the foundation that's been administering her sky-high priced medication has decided to pull out of Singapore - leaving the 100% subsidy of the medication in limbo with the maximum prospect of 50% subsidy from next month onwards, translating to another $3000 coming from our (my, rightly put) side per month.

And with this month's deficit cashflow of about $2000... I guess it will give rise to panic for most people.

Pray... hope... be digilent in work and managing His resources... and trust that even if His provision doesn't come in the financial and physical sense, His presence alone shall be enough to sustain.

Haha... someone's trying really really hard to break me... but well, I guess that's the price to pay to be given faith as the top spiritual gift. To know that He has the end (akhareeth) in His hands... and that it is good, no matter how bad it looks like right now in human terms.

No... I won't blame God for unanswered prayers... because I know His will is sovereign, and whatever He wills, He wills. For every "Yes", I rejoice, for every "No", I pray that I'll not question His control, and for every "Not yet", I pray that He'll grant me the joy and patience for Him to bring to pass.

"My own emphasis in prayer has moved from petition to companionship, and I no longer agnonise over the issue of unanswered prayer as I once did." - Philip Yancey in Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference? (pg. 208)

For the glory of my King... for who He is... and what He's done.

Appreciate all who've been lifting me and my family in prayer... and I hope that far beyond seeing see Him at work, the act of praying in itself has caused you to draw closer to Himself. Let's press on together yea? We're in this together. ;)

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:)

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I attended a financial planning talk this morning at Raymond's workplace which was beneficial. Haha... yeah. There's everything to thank God for blessing me with this brother in my life coming to serve (I know he definitely doesn't mind me using this word in this context. ;) ) as my financial advisor. I know he's earning peanuts having to manage clients who can only manage peanuts lar... Haha... but yeah, though I had a little acumen in this area, it really wasn't until he came into the picture that I had a fuller idea of financial planning.

I must say that given current situations and from the fact that the other active members of the family aren't exactly financially "sound" in the way they manage their resources, it is indeed entirely His grace that I actually have enough to start a little portfolio at this age in hope of not making myself a liablity to my future generation. Yah I know it may sound a little far fetched for now... but yes. YOUTHS listen up (hahaha...), don't live by the day. Plan for the future and especially if you're not earning yet don't go about spending all the allowances given you - be a wise steward of the resources given you ya? :)

A dear brother was there at the seminar as well... He saw my new bag (never did mention... but yeah, some really dear people got together and bought me a green crumpler bag, something I longed for for the past few years but never did mention to anyone except one or two... and so it seems that someone let the cat out of the bag... Hmmm... Haha) and he commented that it looked really nice... and then went on to note that I didn't buy it.

Haha... though we haven't met in a long time to catch up, he sure does know me. :P I don't really consider that as ask and it shall be given unto you... because I didn't really ask for it in the first place, not that I needed it. But I'm really thankful for being blessed this way. :)

We just talked about God's faithfulness in the midst of sharing during youth service today... and it struck a chord again to be reminded of His unfailing track record. Of course, it always seems like all it takes is a single "off course"... but given faith as the top gift still, I don't think I'll ever doubt it when He says that His love endures forever and His faithfulness lasts through generations.

And the news that Char shared with me not too long ago just added to that list of records. Haha... I remember a time a couple months back when Char was going through a pretty bad patch with her final year thesis. There was this time I was sitting by a Macs and corresponding with her through sms... she just could not find herself moving on with whatever she'd chosen to do... and it really came to a point that I assured her that it's okay if she ever had to do another semester. It had been really tough... I guess she wouldn't mind me sharing of all the times she cried over it... but that's what makes this so sweet. Even on the day of submission, she didn't have the confidence of how it'll all turn out - it was really very much a haphazard piece of work...

She scored a B for that paper... and as of today, CHARMAINE TAN MEI EN HAS GRADUATED WITH A SECOND UPPERS HONOURS IN ARTS & SOCIAL SCIENCES! :D

Personally, I had a meeting with my dean just two days ago. My school's one of the selected few to pioneer the Future School project... and all I can say is that I may be looking forward to more involvement... and who knows, that I may even land a full time role in time to come. It's still unimaginable how things are working out in this manner... and hey, it was just a little desire in the past with no inkling whatsover how this all can work out.

The above mentioned... all of which can only be attributed to His faithfulness and none other.

And hehe... it gives one the encouragement to know that inspite of the circumstances one is in, He will always be sovereign, in full control, that His will shall come to pass in His timing, not unto our benefit (though that happens most of the time as a blessing) but for His glory and His alone.

Oh happy day... Oh happy day....
When Jesus washed... When Jesus washed...
When Jesus washed... washed my sins away...
Oh happy day... :)

He taught me how... to wash....
Fight and pray... fight and pray!
And He taught me how... to live rejoicing
Yes He did... oh yeah, everyday!

This has been one of my favourite movie scenes... and you know, while you may just like it for no rhyme or reason (perhaps I liked the feel then...), but now that the lyrics make so much sense, viewing this video again brings about such a huge happyness. Yayeeee! :)

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You are my supply
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
worth living for
And still more awesome than I know

More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough for me

- Enough by Chris Tomlin

The AC Dancers did this song as part of their "God" portion in Restless IV: Timeless - their annual dance production. Hahaha... I have no idea why my eyes are welling up now even as I think of the song... but yeah.

Jesus is my reward. I can go ahead and pursue all the goals there are in my life... but in the end I know nothing can satisfy as much as having Him in my life. And that in itself is His awesome and marvellous grace, because I know that not everyone can feel that way... but when you've seen the light, when you've tasted of that goodness, that mercy, that love, that grace... then perhaps you'll catch a little glimpse of what it means that Jesus is more than enough.

:)

And yeah... I guess the stirs in the heart everytime I see any of the guys on stage performing... that's in part a reward from Him for serving in youth ministry bah. I really wouldn't imagine how I'd survive six years back... to be borne by that kind of grace and to be given such reward when it isn't even yours... Well. God is bad at equations ya. Hur hur hur...

Way to go, the monkey who's ten over more years to maturity. Hahaha... ;)

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A labor of love by my sister together with those who're inside... all of which I really feel so undeserving. :| Hur... thank you! :)

Markudesu: Yeah I feel so much more empowered to serve having being detached from the things that would have caused severe burn outs and yet close enough still to call 'em friends... the words of wisdom He gives through you never fails! :P

Sue: Yah I remembered that boat ride man... to think that you're actually more or less settled with entering youth ministry and I was there selling so much ko yo... Hahaha. It's been a pleasure and privilege serving with the two of you! :)

sMonSter: Please pray that I'll always be drawing close k? ;)

Josh: So prophetic!! Hahaha...

Dear: NI TAI LI HAI LE... Hahaha... ever thankful. :)

5: Your first impression is absolutely impressive. Seriously. For a moment I thought I was looking at myself. *shudders*

Josh.Simon: Eh... I'm not that scary right... :|

Carolyn, Erika, Grace & Ding: Thank you ladies! :)

Jan & Pete: Chimpanzee's the smartest of the lot. Quite fitting actually.. gorilla and monkey. Hahhaha... Seriously. Thank you guys... for everything. Read more so you'll be able to saturate your minds ya... and also cut down the time finding references. Hahaha...

6: Hahaha... thank you. :)

Ian: Thank you too. :)

5 (again): I love you too!

7, 5 & Joe: I can't be 3 in 1 kay!!!! Hahaha...

Jon, Nic & Kel: 60th Birthday... Hope we'll all be seeing one another around still (seal with prayer first hur hur)

Dori: Thank you for planning this dear sister... ni ye shi tai li hai le!!! :)

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The first 50 get to have a FriendMark designed for free. Spread the word around yea? :)

If you will, do help to kickstart by writing your recollections on your treasured friendships - your spouse, classmates, etc. Write notes to them. Appreciate every help in building up the website! :)

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There's something I must confess. It's a feeling I tried to come to terms with over the past week... no, I guess I fought with it. I tried to rationalize it out and pushed it aside because I knew it was wrong of me to feel that way. I shouldn't be expecting anything out of them... and it is personally a very self centred stance to do so.

But in the midst of thinking it through... I realised that the only reason why I would have felt that way because they truly meant much to me. I don't really know how to explain it, but of all the hats that I put on in relation to this bunch of people (leader, friend, brother), I guess I tend to incline myself towards the last two... I cannot deny that there are those few whom I know I will take no hesitation to attend to them immediately should anything happen... and yeah, they're not just - youths -.

And so though I knew at the back of my mind that perhaps they might have something planned on a delayed basis when none of the usual ones (and dear ones) wished me on the 13th, I still felt a little sad. Haha so unbecoming - confession's bad for the reputation but good for the soul eh. Haha...

But (which is an important word to look out for in word studies) over the course of the week as I reflected, as I saw how difficult it is for many of them to be even coping with the amount of work in their new school environments, my heart was turned somehow. I began to give thanks to see how inspite of their circumstances, they are the ones who never gave up meeting up with one another still, coming to service and fellowship regularly, upholding one another in prayer and trusting God to see them through.

And I found the contentment. I was glad... and I let go of all expectations that there ever be anything planned. And in a sense, I "let my guard down".

I found great joy this morning in the midst of the senior zone meeting as I marvelled at how the groups are bonding well. :) Then came late afternoon when Char and I decided to take a short trip up to Lot 1 to chill around before meeting her parents for dinner, whom she said wanted to treat me for a belated birthday meal a few days ago. And so we hanged around a bit before heading back near to home so that they could pick us up should we be going downtown. In the end it turned out to be at the Cartel nearby... and so we went.

My guard was totally down okay.

And when I saw the two tables filled with them, I actually meant it when I asked how come all of them were there and I started searching for her parents. :|

Haha... actually though I WAS acquainted with surprises... I personally don't really know how to react when the surprise's actually played on me. So I remained speechless for most parts of the night and ate on. Hur. But yeah. Especially when I know they're potentially sacrificing their homework and study time on a weekend to do so when they didn't have to. Haha... (yeah and one of them's still trying to solve a math problem at 2:30am... Hmmmm... :P)

Thank you people... I thank God everytime I remember you. :) And to the masterminds... okay lar. You guys won this time round. It's hard to fathom the years to come... but there's already much to cherish. :)

My greatest reward in youth ministry ultimately still comes in witnessing different individuals make the decision to make Jesus Lord... to see their lives transformed slowly but surely in His likeness as they continually and actively pursue Him through life's circumstances, all the ups and downs... to see them conquer their fears and inadequacies in life in light of who He is.

For the glory of none other... than my King.

Who died for me.

And carried me through so much.

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Thanks Hope for the entry. :)

Friend

"When we honestly ask ourselves
Which person in our lives means the most to us,
we often find that it is those who,
instead of giving too much advice, solutions or cures,
have chosen rather to share our pain
and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand.
The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion,
who can stay with us in an hour of grief or bereavement,
who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing,
and face us with the reality of our powerlessness,
that is a friend who cares."

- Henri J. M. Nouwen "Out of Solitude;Three Meditations on the Christian Life"

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It's funny how quite a number of people thought that my birthday falls on the 14th of May. Why ah? Hahaha... but yeah. I receive birthday greetings from the most unexpected of people... and I must say, each one is really precious. :) Ex students' ones come at twice the preciousness! Hahaha...

Fourth aunt gave me a belated treat at Swissotel Merchant Court's cafe dinner buffet... stomach still bloated. :| They had this free flow durian puree... took a bowl only thanks to self control. But aye, though it was a little bit of everything, it still added up to create a bloated stomach.

But yeah. It wasn't the contents of the dinner treat... it was more of the fact that my aunts actually remembered. She also gave me one of the books by Robert Kiyosaki... my third aunt passed me two tickets to Planet Shaker's concert... all of which I never expected.

I've learnt something really precious... nothing new about it, but it's really true that one learns better by experience. :)

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To the photocopier repairman who suggested to my mom that she brings us to church seven years ago... to Choopootz, Gpp, Frieda jie, Eve jie, Matt, Markudesu.. and all who've been giving so relentlessly unto Him and His work.

Thank you. :)

Blessed mother's day... ma. Thank you... for giving to the Lord. For your unceasing prayers... for being that pillar in the family. :')

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It's approximately ten minutes past midnight and I'm here on a Sunday morning snacking on a pandan cake with unsugared soyabean milk... Char gave the idea of dipping the pandan chiffon into milk, I just finished the milk a day ago so tried to make do with the unsugared soyabean milk... quite nice too. ;P

Ah wells. I haven't even started writing and I've finished both the cake and the drink. Temptation calls for another piece and another cup... but yeah. Thankful that self control has been pretty much in control as of late. Hahaha...

The only thing I remember about the age 25 in the past was how my dad used to reiterate the fact that our body shapes will be set in place by that age... and if I still procrastinate and refuse to exercise, slim down and tone up a bit I'll be forever in that "mould", stuck, kaput...

Haha... funny right. But somehow I guess I took it seriously in the end... or rather my subconsciousness somehow alerted me that I am to turn 25 soon and it's "now or never" (DON'T LAUGH). Seriously, I tried quite a number of times in the past... I can remember a year when I actually borrowed a book on exercise (I actually typed exercise book before that...) from the library a couple of months before that particular May... the book gathered dust for a few weeks before finding its way back to the shelves.

I'm not quite sure about the motivation this time round... but all I can say is that it's been quite a number of months and I'm actually enjoying the unstructured daily routines of exercises ranging from jogs, swims, weights, isometric... and I really want to thank God for letting this come to pass this time round, "in the nick of time", and allowing me to enjoy the entire process of exercising. There's still quite a distance away from the ideal weight... but I can't be thankful enough already.

And I played squash for the very first time in my entire life the day before with two of my youths... I think I might have found another racquet sport that I can enjoy (fineprint: and have a good workout at the same time!)!

Haha... well.

Thank you dear dear for the call... gpp and clarice for the smses... meimei eunice and mousey for the msn greeting. :)

25 years is a milestone. It's interesting how I'm taking this quarter of a century age more significantly than the twenty first. Perhaps it's because I can feel that I'm at a treshold of huge transitions in my life (not that I haven't been undergoing any, a lot, in fact), or perhaps this age signifies the crossing over to a responsibility-laden period of life where your security blankets are entirely removed, like it or not. Haha... no, I'm not worrying a single bit. :)

I see the pre-believing peers around me live their lives, start their careers in places and areas that they do not even like... taking a step back and looking at the way the journey has been in my own life, I can only give thanks to see how the Lord has always been leading and guiding, showing the way to His purpose. I used to regret that I wasn't born in a Christian family to start with... but now I am truly thankful for all the things leading to who I am right now in Him. I'm thankful that He's placed me in a largely non-religious environment as I grew as a child, untainted from any external influences, good or bad. Mom used to bring me to the temple at si ma lu back then to pray each year ... I remember throwing bread at the tortoises, eating the vegeterian bee hoon, wearing shirts with the seal chopped at the back... but that was it. As I grew up I just had an inkling of some big big person out there who watches over me and whom I talk to - encapsulated in the form of a soft toy tiger (please don't laugh).

I was brought to fellowships before in junior college days but remained largely untouched, in the heart, that is. It's still amazing to recap how the Lord touched me day by day... I could have grown up really bitter for all the thorns that're in my life - things that I'd reckoned with... things that I may have to be reckoning with all my life - I guess those who know me a little better will understand the kind of grace God has showered upon my life. Haha...

Perhaps that's why my time and resources can be structured to give in ways that many others may not be able to (that is His grace too)... and in the end I know that I cannot outgive my God, who has given me His very best. Sin is something that I'm familiar with... I don't recall writing this but yeah - just in case anyone thinks that I am a goodie two shoe holy joe (I still wonder why joe), that will be a terribly distorted image. I'm just thankful that it's not so much a struggle to know that nothing severes my relationship with God and definitely nothing separates me from His love... but I do struggle with the fellowship with Him from time to time... and of which, I'm thankful that He's even given me songwriting as a handle.

I once told Choopoot that it's easy to track my walk with God... just look at the frequency of the songs I write and the lyrics... and if ever there comes a terribly long period of time without songs, then, yeah. That's the reason for my joy and happiness whenever a complete song gets done - as much as He's using them to minister, I must say that I'm the first one to be ministered. :P

Thankful for the people that He brings into my life... for an introvert who shuns huge meetings and gatherings, who refuses most of the time to initiate conversations, who does not really get involved in loads of things... now you know why I'm so ever thankful for His grace right. Haha... there're many whom He's allowed our paths to cross here and there, whom He's used to touch my heart to see Him better... and of course, the individual few whom He's allowed me to know better... ;)

How will the next 25 years look like? It's hard to fathom, definitely unpredictable. But one thing that's an absolute (a word so shunned and disliked in this postmodern world today), that His love endures forever (please say amen), His faithfulness continues to last through generations (another one please), and that He works for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, that He'll continue to make straight the crooked paths as we trust in Him with all our hearts and lean not on our own understanding, acknowledging Him in all our ways, knowing that He lives.

Sure, man can make and create opportunities as we strive to survive and lead comfortable lives... but nothing beats a divine appointment. Where we live determines how we live (kouped from Ps Ed)... our worldview, perspectives... all governed by that. My home is in heaven... and I'm already living in eternity.

Where's yours? Care to analyse how perspectives will change if you see things in the light of eternity and knowing that you have a God who never ever fails?

:)

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Subject to a few more changes... but yeah, more or less completed - the invite, that is. :)

It's been put across before that it can be quite foolish to be doing all these for free for the sake of friendship, as with all the friendmarks made, those yet to be made, the notes written and those yet to be written... when I ought to be spending more time thinking of more profitable endeavours given my family's financial situation.

Well. It really depends on one person's definition of the word "profitable" and to whom the endeavour profits... no? In fact, I profit a lot in the midst of doing all these things... because no amount of money churning activities could satisfy the way smiles are put across my face as I do up the collages and think of what to write. :)

Then one can argue that we can do such things when we're well off and have all the time in the world to do so... not when finances are tight and when the future's so uncertain.

Does that mean that we're not ever going to do it should that day never comes?

Hehe... that's why trusting God in our lives is called journey. :P Living out the calling that He's called us to... and trusting Him as Jehovah Jireh our Provider. :)

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I didn't know that Char can be pretty good with surprises as well... hur hur. She'd been planning for a meal with her ex classmates for quite some time... and we decided to have it yesterday, at Ivins, the family peranakan food place in Bukit Timah.

Met her in the afternoon for "Spiderman 3"... walked around then we proceeded to the place... was anticipating the things I could talk about with her classmates and yadda (quite hard for an introvert you know)... and then I saw Markudesu and Sue sitting at a long table inside... they "happened to be having dinner there". Yah... sitting at a table meant for six with six glasses of water. Hmmmm... so we sat with them for a while while we waited for Char's friends to come. Haha... but I guess I knew what's coming up next. :P

Oh man.

Appreciated yesterday evening a lot, as much as it was two evenings ago. All very busy people... yet they made time. :P And yeah... eternally thankful for a God sent dear who does such sweet things! :) Thank you dear... thank you dear friends... thank You. Now got orange running vest to jog in! And a cookbook to start experimenting more! :)

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"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I was reminded of this verse again today when Jan asked for my opinion in the buying a dogtag featuring some verses... he asked me which verse will be good... I looked at the few and told him that he'd know what I'd choose. There was a slight possiblity that he would choose another verse which is equally close to my heart... but yeah, he got the right one. Haha... and I kind of felt a certain warmth in the heart and cherished that moment. :)

I guess it's quite an appropriate time to spend some time to consolidate and give thanks... it started this morning when the WG (WEB Group - youth cell group) went one round thanking individuals (we were discussing the topic "firm friendships"). Took the opportunity to thank every single one in the WG... and really, it's really been a huge encouragement to see how the majority of the group make it a point to meet up each week despite the busy school schedules of some. And as I thought of how disjointed and disengaged the group was in its beginnings two months plus ago and how He's grown it thus far... can only smile. Hur. I guess sometimes these youths really don't know how much encouragement they're exuding from simply being around and having their hearts lifted to Him... Yeah. I'm thankful for the simple stuff... even when I saw 10 this afternoon whom I've not seen for the past weeks (busy and exhausted with training in school), I was thankful. Haha... ah wells. Then I couldn't resist the urge to just lay hold of 6 and shook him for a while after youth service... now I think he must thinking that I'm siao. Haha.

Thankful that He's brought me through it all thus far... it's been quite choppy these days, the waves, and yet His faithfulness never ceases. I had the opportunity to reread the things I wrote in my little black book (personal journal) which I haven't touched for ages... thankful that I'm writing in it again. :) The song posted in the previous entry... it's a true reflection. He broke the silence... not me. :)

Many people to give thanks for... and as what I've told Char over msn just now... nobody will believe me if I say I'm not loved. Because I know I am... dearly. Gpp just did something that melted me totally... shan't say what. But yeah... sigh. Haha...

Thank you (plural)... thank You (singular). :)

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REMIND ME JESUS
05 May 2007

Everytime I feel so far away
When I'm simply whiling off my days
You've never stopped persuing me
While You simply let me be

Till the day I finally realise
Once again how much Your love is like
And I'm back here in this place again
In the prescence of the Lamb

Lord I know I'm not exactly fully back to where I'm used to be
All I ask is Jesus You will come and help me once again to see

Your grace and mercy overflows
Your love unfailing
On the cross You gave it all Lord
All for love You bore the pain and shame Lord
When circumstances bring me down
Remind me Jesus
That it's not for who I am Lord
But for who You are and what You've done Lord

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I approached this with skeptism having went through the "All Advantage" hoo-hah back in 1999 which amounted to nothing. Then again, simply put, if you have already been a regular internet surfer and you don't mind receiving some passive income along the way as your surf and view some advertisements, there's no harm signing up as there's nothing to lose.

For those who'll like to deliberate more and know how exactly this company functions and how the channeling of revenues goes, their plans, etc, check out their website here.

Referrers get to earn while those you refer surf as well... so in way, if you sign up with me as your referrer, you'll be indirectly helping out in my family's expenses as and when the company goes into operations while you get the full deal as well. It's pretty much a win-win situation - but do check out the details to know what's in store before you decide yea? :)