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Sometimes the stirrings of the heart just can't be explained... can it? Haha... :)

It's been a very different month from the rest of the months that I've ever gone through.

I could never have envisioned the day when I would actually set foot upon my own alma mater and be engaged in the kind of work that I'm engaging in right now.

Was the entry point two years ago as a programming teacher to some of them something preplanned, a part of the vast tapestry that has long been well thought out and in the process of weaving?

Was the involvement in youth ministry six years ago contrary to all that I was (introverted, quiet, shy, crowd fearing) something that was so graciously given so that I'll be prepared and equipped to communicate with them, not out of duty and responsibility but out of a burden and wanting?

Is the counselling track that I'm currently pursuing contrary to what I said when I was in J2 (that over my dead body I'll ever become a counsellor cause I never believed it actually works) something that's preplanned as well?

Take my life... and let it be.

Consecrated... unto Thee.

It's been a worthwhile journey, and it amazes me how He's allowed their presence in my life to touch me, to energize me. I don't covet those moments, but I appreciate everytime they come around to chat, or to do their work by the table. After all, they're the reason for my existence in my current workplace.

Took quite a number of group shots over the past couple of days for an upcoming website for them - some of them are in rotation on a banner on top of the website now. And as I look at them, it really seem that I can stay in that poise looking at the photos fade in and out on endless loop, and have my eyes stay a little moist.

:)

Alright, enough of reflecting. Back to work.

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Yingcong's the boy who's ever so diligent in doing up his C++ assignments, one of the few who actually scored full marks for all his assignments and projects given.

I can still remember receiving this little note on Mr. Koh's table (I was taking his classes for relief then) from Izumi informing that he couldn't enter the messageboard with his password.

Two years later, they've become chairpersons of their respective consortium's council.

Was heartening to find myself knowing most of the guys in Aphelion and ProEd council. :)

I wouldn't have thought then that I would be given the opportunity to work with them again two years ago... what a privilege. :) Looking forward to every opportunity... to see them graduate from high school and subsequently college... and Lord willing, their university education.

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The day went pretty alright. Discussions went well... many things surfaced. Just glad that things are moving. :)

Gotten news that amidst all the sentiments I was pulled in for the blame as well. Inevitable I guess... they're still young afterall, and perhaps because I'm the person they tag the system to.. so yeah.

I'm more concerned about how this is going to affect their communication with me. Already there are those who don't even bother to acknowledge me when we meet along the way, etc, not that I needed it.

Bumped into one of my ex-students in the canteen and we ended up having lunch and chatting together. Another one of them (now in the same class) joined us for a while as well. Thankful for such moments where I can gain a little insight into their lives once more... more so for the friendship that extended beyond the teacher/student relationship for some of them.

I guess sometimes it's really a matter of a person's make up. It always takes two hands to clap in any form of relationship, and so for those whom I've been given the opportunity to know beyond the professional relationship, I give thanks. And for those who choose to keep at the professional level, teachers and students alike, the Galvin or Mr. Sng they'll know will probably not be as well as they'll know me personally. Right 3p2Sam and Er Zis. Haha...

Then again, I don't think many will fancy knowing me. Hahaha.

Oh well. Learning to give thanks come what may. Lunches and catching ups like that cheer and perk me up in an otherwise cold (literally) and isolated (still... due to my introversion, not that people aren't friendly) workplace.

To that student who'll probably never see this: All the best for the rest of the matches! Till the hols! ;)

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of standing in between.

I know I could have been better off just doing my job... and not be in this position where I'm just sandwiched, where you get no appreciation from either side because one will think you're siding the other.

But wait. I am doing my job... and I'm just being objective over the entire issue.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles.

Run and not be weary.

Walk and not be faint.

Thank God that there's always hope.

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I woke up early in the morning with the song playing on loop in my mind... and then I'm reminded personally that servanthood comes with authority.

He's called me to serve them... And I hope that He'll continue to grant me the strength and discernment not to do as they please... but always to do what's right.

Long days ahead still. Thankful for the night spent with Char and looking forward to dinner later on with Dori. :)

Council Investiture later on as well. Shall be extra and go see my xiao dis take office. =)

BEAUTIFUL MYSTERY
by Caedmon's Call

I tried to know
Every mystery
Soon realized, no
It was too much for me

'Cause most things true
Are simple and complex
So it is with You

What else should I expect
You suffer the seeker
In You they abide

You are to me
A beautiful mystery
You are to me
A Servant and a King
You're a beautiful mystery

You're like the water
I can feel but not grasp
Still You say all I've gotta do
Is seek and knock and ask

You are to the river
What hems it in and sets it free
The truth is a river
Where the strong can swim down deep

The weak and the broken
Can walk across so easily

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I just felt how it's really like to have God by your side in the face of everything and whatever that may go against you.

AND IT'S A SUPER GOOD FEELING!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!! xD

In the face of a feeling generation, I am thankful for His ever tangible presence. :)

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Our Human Weakness:
The Fear of Losing Control (1 Sam 15:1-23)

What was Saul's greatest fear? Why?

"I have sinned, for I have transgressed the commandment of the LORD and your words, because I feared the people and obeyed their voice." - 1 Sam 15:24

Saul feared his people - he gave in to the people's requests instead of heeding God's instruction of destroying the Amalekites entirely. He was addicted to man's approval rather than God's approval of him in his life. He was insecure in his position as king and saw a need to please the people in order to maintain his kingship. He forgot that it was God who placed him where he's at.

The fear of man is in direct conflict with the fear of God.

Why is the fear of man often greater than the fear of God?

Tangibility - When you're facing the crowd and seeing with the physical eyes, it's very easy to look at the immediate circumstance and take the easy way out.

Indifference / Ignorance - Lack of understanding of the fear of God.

How do we best cultivate a healthy fear of God?

Keep a consistent devotional time to know God more each day... it's only through knowing Him through His Word that we'll know how to come before Him in a manner of both reverence and kinship.

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This session explores the fear of losing control; the fear of surrender to God. It deals with the roots of an ontological inversion and the loss of spiritual sight. Issuing a call for wisdom from on high, it re-orientates us to the reality of the God who is awesome. It is also a call to know God intimately.

"Theology" or "the study of God" is simply the Christian's attempt to know and understand God as He reveals Himself in the Bible. It is the "art and science" of knowing God in a succinct and structured manner. It is the discovery of who God is through the unfolding of Bible history as God makes Himself known to a chosen Hebrew race - and through this race extends His blessings to the entire human race. God's ways are higher than our ways and God's thoughts than our thoughts. So unless God first makes Himself known, it would be impossible to even attempt to know Him.

God reveals Himself through His names, His attributes, His dealings with mankind. He is the self-existing and self-determined God, the ex nihilo Creator and the Great "I Am" (Ex 3:14). He is the omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient God. Yet in His grace, He chose to reveal Himself to mankind through His Son, Jesus Christ. God is not just Creator, but also the Redeemer and Sustainer of all His creation - "for from Him and through Him and to Him are all things" (Rom 11:36).

J I Packer wrote, "Knowing about God is crucially important for the living of our lives. Disregard the study of God, and you sentence yourself to stumble and blunder through life, blindfolded, as it were, with no sense of direction and no understanding of what surrounds you. This way, you can waste your life and lose your soul."

We are created to have an intimate relationship with God, to love and worship Him. The Edenic fall has reversed that. Instead of a spiritual orientation we have a secularised one. Instead of living in the spirit, we are running on empty only to have cursory spiritual experiences. The orientation of fallen man is centred in the world's system and he is contented with sporadic spiritual encounters. We need to return to being rooted in God. Only then can we redeem ourselves from falling further into the vast ravine of spiritual rootlessness.

Larry Osborne wrote, "Great relationships don't just happen. They take hard work and significant mid-course corrections to stay healthy over the long haul. A relationship with God is no different. While God never needs to grow, never makes a mistake, never misunderstands, and never chooses the selfish route, we do. And whenever we get off course, it usually takes some significant changes on our part to get the relationship back on track."

Hence, we need make efforts to know God. First on the list is to hand over to God the reins of control and surrender fully. Wisdom dictates that we need to have spiritual eyes to see and a corresponding heart to long for this God who is.

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I came to work at 7am.

I am now knocking off at 5:30pm.

And I'm going for my evening lesson from 7-10pm at Joo Chiat.

Then I'll take about an hour plus to reach home.

Will need to work on some slides for tomorrow.

Will have to be back at work earlier at 6:45am.

Simple calculations ya.

Hahaha... I miss dear. I miss Pa. I so want to find / carve out time to just read His word and get myself soaked once more.

Even my time with the boys... so little.

I'm in an extended season called "cling on tight".

And somehow knowing that it's all for a purpose.

And somehow a smile can still be edged from the mouth. No... not a forced one, but one that comes from within.

And the fact that one of my boys actually went to buy (not borrow) a book that I recommended and knowing that he's kept the piece of paper I wrote him two years ago... it's a tangible reminder that hey.

It's worth it.

Okay shall go now if not it'll be late for lesson.

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Term 1 Week 3... and I'm already down.

The common symptoms bah - sore throat, runny nose... I can feel a fever coming but I know there is no way I can miss work.

It's been a really tiring start to a new year physically. It's ironic.. because I really hope for times when I can properly do some physical workouts rather than being tired out like that.

I have to adapt to an environment where work is never finished. The "today's work, finish today" mantra doesn't work here because everything stretches. But yeah.. some of them may think it's a joke but it's really a joy to be given the opportunity to interact with them and possibly share some of my life's experiences with them.

Hopefully things will settle down in time to come and I can kick into real business bah.

:)

Pray for me if you will - don't want to end up at work staring sheepishly into the computer with a running temperature. :P

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I seriously don't know how it'll be in the long haul... but for what's been started, I look forward to how things will turn out in the future. And though I seriously can't see eye to eye on a number of viewpoints (definitely not shared), I can only hope that things will turn out fine in perfect timing.

Haha... nevermind if the above paragraph doesn't make sense. :) Hope you guys enjoyed the time. Blessed early birthday lao da. ;)

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"Unless our core values are transformed, nothing is really changed." - Edmund Chan

I know it's late... but somehow I've been nudged many times to write this entry... and I intend to keep it real short not because of time constraints... but just to make it succinct.

That the mark of Christianity is that of a transformed life.

A life that shines for Jesus... a life with a testimony that is consistent, at home, in school, at work, when alone.

And that transformation usually doesn't occur overnight. It is a constant journey of getting to know Jesus more and more each day... and letting the truth of His Words transform us from the inside out.

Sure, there'll be many struggles and setbacks. The evil one lurks around always, always ready to stumble, to deceive, to discourage.

But be reminded that it is not in the life transformed that qualifies us in this journey... but it is in His faithfulness in seeing our desire to know Him that leads us to our lives transformed... for His praise and glory.

"Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." - 1 Corinthians 6:9-11

Of all the people whom I know are believers in my workplace, the testimonies I hear of are varied. I'm just thankful that my boss is one who shines quietly simply by the way he cares and the way he does his work responsibly. There are those who openly profess... but the testimonies I hear don't exactly match up. Then again, it isn't up to me to cast any stone of any kind... for the Lord knows better than anyone else.

But it does cause me to be more appreciative of how I'd been brought up the past seven years as a disciple, to know that it is only in His life changing Word that we may get to know Him for who He is, and it is only in knowing Him that we will know how to live for His glory and praise.

Let my life be like a love song... to Your heart.

Pa... I know I can't but You can. As much as it can be, let the way I live be a testimony unto Your name. Let it be so that there will be no discrepancies in the way I communicate, with You, with my family, friends, colleagues and students, with no secret agendas to benefit self, but that in all things I may be able to see through Your eyes... and act accordingly.

The greatest message ever told was in silence.

It lasted 6 hours... one Friday.

On a Cross.

That of love.

5: You know bro, the question you randomly asked me, that sometimes you really wondered why you actually believed in Christ in the first place? It's a question that comes back to me too from time to time... and seriously, my only reply to you is the word that I messaged.

Grace.

2 CORINTHIANS 4:1-18

Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

It is not the mortal age of a being that determines the level spiritual maturity and intimacy with God. It is the desperation of the soul, oft quiet than loud, the cry of the heart that connects one's heart to His.

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Okay... the network connection from my computer has been plugged out to be used on a laptop for some testing purposes.. so I guess I'm temporarily freed up for a while to leave some verbal doodles. :)

Thank God it's Friday. TGIF TGIF TGIF. Hahahaha.

Had to be in school super early in the morning to open up a room for the guys to deposit their bulky items - it's CCA day today. As to why I had to do that... well. Actually, I realised I haven't exactly been writing much on what I've been up to the past couple of weeks... not because I can't write about it, but it's more of the lack of free time. Haha...

Yeah. Let's just say, new systems require some time to stablize. It's very much like the content management system that I'm using the guys' communications right now - an RC - Release Candidate, not entirely stablized but stable enough to be used.

That explains the beezeeness these days yeah. :)

I found encouragement through the sharing of a doctor involved in humaritanian aid in tibet this morning during the centre's current affairs session. He's an old boy three years my senior... and a brother in Christ as well. Actually when I heard of him being a doctor in tibet I'd already guessed. :P

He summed it up pretty well when one of the boys asked him how he detaches himself from the material.

He was earning much but he realised that he did not find the satisfaction.

And that ultimately it's the calling that's given that matters most.

I must admit that I struggled here and there... having to get used to waking so early everyday once again, having to plough through the intial setting up stages of a new system and ending up spending hours doing really mundane things... it's definitely very different compared to the times when I could wake up late, swim on one day and run on the other, do the rest of the things I want to do, spend more time with loved ones...

I dismissed the boys... stood at the front and watched on as they filed out of the drama centre... and smiled.

:)

Many of them still walk past me like perfect strangers... and I guess my introversion has a role to play. But I'm thankful... for the many new found friendships and a number of revived ones amongst them. I guess that's what's unique about my role - I'm not unto them a teacher after all. :)

Alrights. Time to wrap up some work and attend the very first IDT (Intentional Discipleship Training) session for the new year. Remember I wrote about Pa (God)'s faithfulness? Despite all the load piled up, His love remains.

And that's what sustains. Woots. :P

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So much that I don't really know how to articulate them in words.

Going for a run for now.

It's been a really long time since I last ran.

This new work has sucked everything out of me.

And yet in the inner recesses I hear... hang on kid.

Shoutout to Junyang who said hi during assembly. :)

Many things have become luxuries.. including having the time to blog and run.

I miss the times jotting down thoughts.

I miss the times running long hours.

I miss the times making FriendMarks.

I miss the times picking up the guitar and letting the inspiration flow.

I miss the times of intimate worship.

I miss... Pa.

But man. He's so faithful. :)

More when I return. Ciao.

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Having the time to blog is a luxury nowadays... shall keep this one short and succinct before doing some prep work after my shower.

David, Christopher and Zebedee (RI gym cap woohoooooo Hahaha :P) are three boys whom I've never imagined I'll connect with. It's been a great two years witnessing their growth and maturing, more so in their personal walk with God... though we can evidently see that they've grown into fine looking young gentlemen too. ;)

We had a catch up meal today after service... and it's uplifting to hear of their reflections of the past year, and how each of them are looking into knowing God better this year. To hear such words from the mouths of sixteen year old boys... nothing short of amazing. Because there're so many Christian youths out there, much older, who continue to struggle with life's complexities on their own, clinging onto things that give them worth, clamoring for things that may not exactly be part of God's will and plan for them.

Matthew 6:33 sums it up pretty well - follow God wholeheartedly, seek Him first, His Kingdom and His righteousness and wala - everything falls in their rightful places. Because He's a God who cares and knows what's best.

And I discovered something more lately... something that can be taken for granted very easily, that is the compass that God has given, be it spiritually or morally.

Those without God in their lives have no idea. They subscribe to religion at best and strive to be good for a better gain in the spiritual or material realm. At its worst, they put on a good front in front of others so that they'll climb up the ladder.

It's quite disheartening to hear of those who present themselves prim and proper in front of teachers and behave otherwise in front of peers or when they're by themselves. Well.

Now I really do catch a better glimpse as to why having God in our lives allows us to navigate through life's uncertainties... and also to present ourselves genuine, before Him, before others.

I'll do a write up soon. (:

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There are more people... but I only have time to do up this amount.

When the going gets tough, I look at these guys and have myself reminded by Pa why I'm doing all these for.

And then I'm satisfied once again.

:)

I guess I'm sentimental. The times I had with some of these dudes two years ago when they were in secondary one... somehow still pretty fresh in my mind. One of them played his soccer ball in the lab... one came for remedial because he didn't fare well for infocomm and I ended up teaching him photoshop... then there're those whom I have contact with through ThinkQuest.

This year and next... see how it goes.

Love you dudes. Work hard okay. ;)

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Skipped my evening lesson yesterday... Slept an hour only.

But the timetabling woes ain't getting any better.

Did a sample timetable for the guys... hopefully it'll be clearer for them.

Wah. I want to sleep. But it's back to work in another two hours.

I seriously need rest.

Thanks Chongwe. That encouragement gave some fuel. ;)

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Today marks the first day of school... first day of work for me.

It has been many, many years since I've stepped into the school that early. It has been many, many years since I've stood at the terraces singing both the national anthem and school song on the first day of school.

Felt really joyous inside. :) Oh, and met my new friend Junde. Hello! ;)

On the other hand, everything was and is a ball of confusion.

I foresee myself forsaking sleep today. And I wonder how on earth I'm going to make it for my evening lesson tomorrow. Really tempted to give it a pass.

Char calls it heavenly joy amidst earthly confusion. I concur fully.

Hur hur hur.

Going home to continue sorting out this ball of confusion.

Thank God for a wonderful boss... and of course, God for being my Boss and my boss' Boss (haha...). Was, is, and is to come. :)