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Term one is coming to a close.

Frankly...? I feel quite alone in this battle. At work, that is.

250 is too many for me to build really meaningful relationships... and if I focus on a selected bunch it won't be good either.

Doesn't help that they're having a really hard time trying to adapt.

From the mild "Cannot Sleep Early" to some pretty crude ones, it's really hard for me personally to believe what I've personally envisioned will come to pass eventually.

And amidst all there is and isn't, I give thanks for the pockets of people whom I've got to know a little bit better... and for the little happy occurances that happen in their lives amidst the stress and adapting, be it in their classes or amongst themselves as friends.

Curriculum aside, I hope to see a CSE who'll learn how to care amongst, share amongst and encourage amongst... because those are the things that'll never fade with life.

Gotten a greater insight as to why faith and belief is my top gift... :)

The trip to the airport to see some of the boys off to the Beijing Satellite Campus was good. Heartening to see them in sec 4 uniforms... like sudden growth hahahahaha. :P

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Had an interesting morning sms conversation with lao san this morning:

lao san: Is it raining over at your side???

me: ya. lol.

lao san: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....

me: LOL.

Hahaha... well well. The cross country went on despite the morning rain; route was cut short for the safety of all running.

My first sports related trophy after twenty five years and nine months of existence on planet earth... came in 4th in the staff open category. Hur hur... it's an encouragement to be serious in my training henceforth. Still thinking of aiming for a full marathon at the end of this year... but if that is so I'll have to work on my discipline of watching what I eat and engaging in regular exercising once again.

Amidst the many commitments. Hmmm. :)

Anyways. Caught "L" with dear the night before... Three thumbs up. Go watch. :)

Thanks to all who gave your genuine cheers. :P

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IF ONLY
26 February 2008

Everyone's in search for meaning
Every moment as we breathe
Questioning the things we do we find no purpose
Don't even dare to look inside anymore

Scared to find the emptiness
Refuse to face the wall of hurts
I run, I hide, put on a mask
But nothing seems to work...

If only I can break away, out of this loop
Find some meaning in all the things I do
Take away this jaded feeling deep within my soul
I'll give whatever just to have a taste of it
Sweet innocence of a child that used to be
There must be more than all these mess that I am getting out
of this life I'm in...

Someone tell me please.

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I'm a little boy with glasses
The one they call the geek
A little girl who never smiles
'Cause I've got braces on my teeth
And I know how it feels
To cry myself to sleep

I'm that kid on every playground
Who's always chosen last
A single teenage mother
Tryin' to overcome my past
You don't have to be my friend
But is it too much to ask

Don't laugh at me
Don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me

I'm the cripple on the corner
You've passed me on the street
And I wouldn't be out here beggin'
If I had enough to eat
And don't think I don't notice
That our eyes never meet

I lost my wife and little boy when
Someone cross that yellow line
The day we laid them in the ground
Is the day I lost my mind
And right now I'm down to holdin'
This little cardboard sign...so

Don't laugh at me
Don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me

I'm fat, I'm thin, I'm short, I'm tall
I'm deaf, I'm blind, hey, aren't we all

Don't laugh at me
Don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me

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5 got into ACJC officially after his appeal! :D Thanks for sharing the joy bro, it's a privilege! :)

Was sneezing the entire day away the day before... pretty bad. Thankful that it's curbed somehow.

Lots to do.. Only got the weekend to do. Ho ho.

Ah. Sneezing again. Shall get some rest first.

FOR THESE REASONS
by Lincoln Brewster

For Your endless love (For Your endless love)
For the life You gave (For the life You gave)
For the second chance (For the second chance)
For Your priceless grace (For Your priceless grace)
For Your healing hands (For Your healing hands)
For the gift of peace (For the gift of peace)
For the blessed hope (For the blessed hope)
For the faith to believe (For the faith to believe)

Chorus:
For these reasons I praise You
For these reasons I worship You
(1st ending)
For these reasons I live to tell
of Your love to all the world
(2nd ending)
For these reasons I live to tell
of Your love to all the world

Bridge:
La da da, la da da, la da da
La da da, la da da da
La da da, la da da, la da da
(1st ending)
La da da, la da da da
(Repeat)
(2nd ending)
La da da

For the faith to believe... for the faith to believe. Faith as a child... and there's nothing else I can do but give thanks.

:)

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Well I kind of expected it... three days of consecutive rigorous running after two weeks of complete 'rest' from working out and two months of reduced exercising... pfft.

And it's not exactly effective to be working out at such intensity everyday - I did pretty poorly in the IPPT test today. First time in my many tests that I didn't score a perfect 5 for situps... was one short.

Lesson learnt. Consistency is the key. I need to build up that consistency in my life again. Not just in the physical aspect... ah.

Loads to do still. But rest for now so I'll be better to face tomorrow.

Appreciate whatever little time I have with dear.

Appreciate all the times of interaction with the boys.

Thursdays' lunch is something that I always look forward to. ;)

Some of them are leaving for the beijing campus from next monday onwards... Hmmmm... gonna miss their presence since a couple of them always pop by my office. All the more I need to set up the system quick so that they'll be able to keep in constant contact with those over here.

And... I need to move ahead with further stages of planning for the guys already. Wah. So much to do. :| Thankful that quite a handful of them responded to be part of a committee that I'm going to set up in time to come... and I do hope that out of which we can achieve things that we never imagine we can.

Team spirit... the spirit of togetheness... I like. :P

Ok Zee zee time for now. Zzzzz.

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Connectedness
Things happen for a reason. You are sure of it. You are sure of it because in your soul you know that we are all connected. Yes, we are individuals, responsible for our own judgments and in possession of our own free will, but nonetheless we are part of something larger. Some may call it the collective unconscious. Others may label it spirit or life force. But whatever your word of choice, you gain confidence from knowing that we are not isolated from one another or from the earth and the life on it. This feeling of Connectedness implies certain responsibilities. If we are all part of a larger picture, then we must not harm others because we will be harming ourselves. We must not exploit because we will be exploiting ourselves. Your awareness of these responsibilities creates your value system. You are considerate, caring, and accepting. Certain of the unity of humankind, you are a bridge builder for people of different cultures. Sensitive to the invisible hand, you can give others comfort that there is a purpose beyond our humdrum lives. The exact articles of your faith will depend on your upbringing and your culture, but your faith is strong. It sustains you and your close friends in the face of life's mysteries.

Restorative
You love to solve problems. Whereas some are dismayed when they encounter yet another breakdown, you can be energized by it. You enjoy the challenge of analyzing the symptoms, identifying what is wrong, and finding the solution. You may prefer practical problems or conceptual ones or personal ones. You may seek out specific kinds of problems that you have met many times before and that you are confident you can fix. Or you may feel the greatest push when faced with complex and unfamiliar problems. Your exact preferences are determined by your other themes and experiences. But what is certain is that you enjoy bringing things back to life. It is a wonderful feeling to identify the undermining factor(s), eradicate them, and restore something to its true glory. Intuitively, you know that without your intervention, this thing—this machine, this technique, this person, this company—might have ceased to function. You fixed it, resuscitated it, rekindled its vitality. Phrasing it the way you might, you saved it.

Belief
If you possess a strong Belief theme, you have certain core values that are enduring. These values vary from one person to another, but ordinarily your Belief theme causes you to be family-oriented, altruistic, even spiritual, and to value responsibility and high ethics—both in yourself and others. These core values affect your behavior in many ways. They give your life meaning and satisfaction; in your view, success is more than money and prestige. They provide you with direction, guiding you through the temptations and distractions of life toward a consistent set of priorities. This consistency is the foundation for all your relationships. Your friends call you dependable. "I know where you stand," they say. Your Belief makes you easy to trust. It also demands that you find work that meshes with your values. Your work must be meaningful; it must matter to you. And guided by your Belief theme it will matter only if it gives you a chance to live out your values.

Developer
You see the potential in others. Very often, in fact, potential is all you see. In your view no individual is fully formed. On the contrary, each individual is a work in progress, alive with possibilities. And you are drawn toward people for this very reason. When you interact with others, your goal is to help them experience success. You look for ways to challenge them. You devise interesting experiences that can stretch them and help them grow. And all the while you are on the lookout for the signs of growth-a new behavior learned or modified, a slight improvement in a skill, a glimpse of excellence or of "flow" where previously there were only halting steps. For you these small increments—invisible to some-are clear signs of potential being realized. These signs of growth in others are your fuel. They bring you strength and satisfaction. Over time many will seek you out for help and encouragement because on some level they know that your helpfulness is both genuine and fulfilling to you.

Empathy
You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person's perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person's predicament-this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings—to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you.

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I'm on YouTube!!!

Boy ah boy... don't end up doing badly for the coming test because you were enthusiastically shooting me and not listening to the lesson okay. Hope you'll turn that half-wrong of yours into full-right in the test. At least then the teaching wouldn't have gone to waste.

Arigato gozaimasu. ;)

Hahaha... yeah. It takes quite a bit for me to adjust to a fluid kind of schedule these days, as in, you can enter a day with a to-do list, but you must be ready for the list to be delayed with sudden interjections of work and other things to be done.

One thing, I must make sure I settle the ThinkQuest stuff (vetting of materials submitted, arranging schedule for peer evaluation, etc) by next week. Oh boy.

And the teaching part came about because some of my colleagues had a conference/course to attend to... and so the opportunity came for me to teach. Was a pretty good experience to be able to teach again though the preparation that went into it ate quite a bit of my time... but yeah, not complaining cause at least I got that little chance to interact with them in person. :)

Then there was the volleyball finals and the parents' symposium... wanted to catch the bus with the players down to the stadium but I had to lock up the student lounge first. Thank God there were still buses heading down.. if not I would have to take public transport. :| I did so when I had to return to school for the parents' symposium... missed the chartered bus by a couple of minutes. Bleah. Haha... It was cool seeing the senior boys in action and all the smiles on their faces as they took the team shots after getting their silver medals... hard earned... well deserved. Congrats Wayne, Jun De, Kok Seng, Junxiong, Arnold and the rest... whom I've still yet to figure out their names... hope to in time to come! :)

More things to do... more things to settle in the week and the weeks to come. Am just hoping that He'll grant me the strength and energy... knowing that He'll not give me beyond what I cannot bear.

Matt said something during youth service the evening before that caused a paradigm shift of thought in me, not that it's anything new, but it's just that I've never really thought about it in this way and done so in this manner.

That I can be an encouragement to God... that I can encourage Him in my words to Him. Aye how should I put it...

It kind of places things in perspective for me.

When I see a critical and judgmental spirit, a recalcitrant troublemaker, a christian who's by name only... those feelings that I get inside... I realised that He might have felt that way towards me at times.

That's why reactions turn into responses instead... and that's where I really learn the meaning of the word grace... mercy... love.

The things Ps. Ed talked about this morning were quite mind blowing.

The sermon title - "How To Live Through A Bad Day"

Am reminded that in life, pain is inevitable... but misery is optional.

And that human beings cannot grow without trials.

But most importantly, we must know what we want in life.

Then we'll know what to do.

And what we must hold fast to.

That which we must want - God's will.

That which we must do - trust God.

That which we must hold fast to - Pa's promises.

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A simple bouquet... a simple container of cookies... a simple dinner... a simple walk home... a simple time spent together.

:)

Thank you Matty for arranging such a wonderful bouquet! (: He came all the way to school to deliver the flowers and drove me all the way to West Mall when it wasn't convenient for him at all... what a friend. :P

Somethings cropped up at home for Char and so I spent some time downing a cup of lychee ice blended at Coffee Bean... had Swensons in the end, Char's favourite for many reasons. The chicken ceasar salad really not bad. :P And the apple crumble too. :P

We went back and enjoyed some tea... dismantled the bouquet (hahaha) and placed the flowers in a vase. Stayed around a little while before leaving for home.

Then we realised that it's really nothing different from any other day.

:)

Pa has taught me so many things through this relationship... so many. :)

Thank you dear for the home baked cookies... more so for you. :)

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It's late I know. I need sleep. At least it's not as bad as yesterday. Char must be looking at the time of this entry and shaking her head... hur was clearing up stuff dear. But I think I should be able to wake up properly today. :)

Was feeling a bit jaded after a certain meeting today... a little disappointed of the 'let's move on' mentality so that the meeting can end sooner when the heart of the matter wasn't even properly discussed. Sometimes I wonder how I can carry on in such a stifling situation... when I simply can't get myself to 'fly in formation' as what Ps Ed always puts.

Oh well. But I certainly know what's required of me and what I should do... the right thing, that is. :)

And so I went for my Graduate Diploma phase of my Masters course with a pretty heavy heart. And being a true blue introvert, I did ponder over the fact that I might end up shriveling in a corner after the course briefing... but heh heh. Not bad, got to chat quite a bit here and there... there're quite a number of FTSCs (full time school counsellors) attending the course as well! :)

It did dawn upon me after the briefing as I walked to the bus stop... that I had better set certain things in place. The course is demanding... full stop. There is no way I can juggle any more external design commitments... and that basically means that I really have to trust that Pa will make the necessary provisions for my family and myself, especially through this season of time. There're also some other commitments which I reviewed and I knew I had to give up over this period of time...

Trust bah. Such is the journey... that you do all you can... and to know that He'll do the rest.

Okay. Sleep. :)

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我心苦...

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I visited my secondary four higher chinese teacher (who used to head the gifted education department before the consortia system came in and iSpark was born - which was under her care for a few years) this afternoon at her house for a lunar new year visitation together with some of my secondary four classmates... about nine of us turned up and one from another class.

Wah my teacher never seem to age. -.- Hahaha... TEN YEARS ALREADY! There were so many things I used to take for granted in the past... I'm just thankful that we're still having this reunion each year without fail - it's good to catch up with the rest as well. :)

Suddenly had so much more in common to chat with her about that we actually went on and on... she walked a classmate and myself out to the bus stop... and we ended up chatting there for another hour or so standing at the bus stop! Hahaha...

One thing - she's currently teaching Char on a module on differentiated learning in NIE... Char and I were wondering that if we are to both visit her at the same time, if she would talk to me in mandarin and then switch to english for Char. Hahaha... well we'll know next time. (: And of course, now that I'm working where I am, there's just so much more to talk about.

And I'm just glad that I'm not the only one who thinks the way I think with regards to certain things... well. Nevermind for now. But yeah, it's an honor to have an educator who's won the President's Award for Teachers before think the same way. :)

She was commenting how satisfying it is to see how we've all grown up... there was a point when she gleefully told her husband who's who and what we've become... Haha.

And I told her that I do look forward to ten, eleven years down the road from now on. Then we'll have to institute a day to visit her over CNY and another day for us to stay at home for visitations - my other classmate's a teacher trainee now. Haha...

It's something I picked up along the way today... that in this line there's bound to be people who'll misunderstand you, doubt your actions and even your sincerity.

And I just need to be reminded constantly what I'm in here for... and to do what I have to do and should do, and never to do anything that goes against conscience.

:)

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A very blessed lunar new year to everyone who passes by here. (:

It's been a rather good break... Should be starting work soon though. Haha... First day of the lunar new year's spent at grandpa's place doing visitation... probably the last few times I'll be eligible for ang baos before I have to officially start giving them out instead. Ho ho...

Helped out in making meatballs, a dish that we'll have every chinese new year. You basically grab a handful of the mixed minced meat and throw it into the palm of your other hand a couple of times to make sure the meat firms up and that it shapes up into a ball. There was once I missed and the meat dropped onto the floor. T.T Hahaha... they turned out pretty well in the end.

Came back to rest a while; the extended family came over too to visit mom. A few of us went down to chinatown after that for a karaoke session at KSter. It might be due to fatigue, but it turned out to be a rather tiring session for me personally... but nonetheless still enjoyable... and definitely a respite. :P

What I enjoyed the most was definitely the opportunity to sleep in and wake up late. Haha... the highlight of 2008's first day of lunar new year turned out to be an online conversation that I had with one of my students though.

I got to know this boy not too long ago, probably last December or so as I did not get to teach his consortium when he was in secondary one. Don't exactly have much opportunities to interact with him still since technically I don't teach him... so interaction's rather sparse and mainly online.

There are those people whom you see and interact with every day (in a class, an office, a setting, etc) and yet they'll probably remain as mere acquaintances; there are those whom you only get to meet for a while and yet the relationship simply 'clicks'.

He belongs to the latter category; the depth of his reflections and the level of empathy he has for someone his age... not to say that it's rare, but it's definitely uncommon.

And I give thanks that He brings along such individuals in this journey at my workplace to spur me on. Come to think of it, He's brought so many and allowed me to reconnect with so many more this year... and I do look forward to an exciting year (two years at least) journeying with you guys (CSE or not), even though the starting's really tough for now. If you know you're one of those whom I'm referring to, leave a smiley at my tagboard yeah. ;)

Alright... time to work a bit. :)

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First year receiving mandarin oranges as a staff of the school. :P

It also dawned on me... that there's going to quite a number of firsts still - first year to be the one getting new year goodies for guests at home (if anyone visits, that is. Thing is, house is still in a mess, so... haha), first year to give ang baos (no no I'm not married yet) on behalf of my mom to my younger relatives...

Gonna take a short nap first before attending two reunion dinners later, one at home with my own family and one with my extended family later in the night. Dad decided that mom should stay at home... so Dori and I will be representatives. Aye. I need exercise. Hahaha...

*concuss*

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I'm eating a packet of bee hoon that's been bought ever since morning... it's an hour to midnight now. Pray that I won't get stomach upset tomorrow. Hahaha... man. It's like I'm setting myself up for trouble. O.0'

Thanks dear for the pak gor yi mai! :)

From feeling really hungry after my work out to feeling rather bloated. Bhurp. Hahaha...

I just came back from IPT not long ago - IPPT Preparatory Training. It can be a little taxing on my schedules considering that it takes up both my monday and wednesday evenings... It's like, I'm practically not at home every night anymore.

But yeah, it opens me up to a regular training regime once more... and I hope that when this phase ends I'll be disciplined to do my own routines like last year. My schedules have been thrown off balance ever since the beginning of the year when I took on the full time job... well. Guess I'm still in the settling down phase bah. :)

Some time ago I was having this conversation with one of my students and we somehow came to talk about the upcoming cross country. He was so glad that he's going to miss it... Hahaha. To think that I was like that once! Haha... sometimes I really do think that I've wasted quite a bit of my youth in terms of working out, or rather, the lack thereof. Maybe then I will not have to try so hard to fend off the fats now. :|

I'm so looking forward to the cross country! Hahaha...

The feeling of winning a race, or winning in general, it's something that I guess most people long for.

I've gotten quite a bit of that every time we have interval trainings... always the first to finish the rounds; there were times when there's one or two who'd run really fast... I must say it's a pretty shoik feeling to sprint past them in the last leg of the round. Hur hur...

But that's really because I'm training with a group of people who can't exactly run fast. I suppose if I ever have the chance to run with the NCC boys I'll most probably be lagging behind... then so malu. :| Haha... still, that's the only way to improve - to train with those who're faring better.

And after all, if I am to clock a decent timing for my year end marathon (or half, depending on training), I really should put in a more sustained effort in training this year. Oh well... hopefully my schedules will settle down soon.

And when it comes to running the race of life... I'm just glad that I'm not running it alone. 8)

Have other things to write about... but I'll leave them till another time. Still have to shower... and hopefully have a little time to play the guitar before calling it a day.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 3:12-14

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January 2008 has been one of its kind... very tiring, for one.

But very fulfilling.

:)

The busyness of work has caused much strain initially, in the area of rest, relaxation and relationships... but thank God, things are settling down somehow.

My greatest joy thus far... is to have the privilege of witnessing the growth of those whom I've gotten to know for some time, both in ministry and at work.

When I first got to know this boy two years ago, he and the rest didn't really leave a good first impression - rowdy, didn't pay attention in class... now I'm sort of linked to him again. And I got to hear him speak just a couple of days ago and witness his stable poise and articulation.

And then the boy who blatantly kicked soccer ball in my lesson two years ago turned out to be the one who graciously volunteered to help chair a dialogue session.

Then there's this brother who just stepped up to become a leader... and the other taking the position of group leader.

There's so much to thank Pa for. :)

To the point that the weariness and tiredness really grew so insignificant.

Jesus' blood covers multitude of sins.

A thankful heart covers a whole lot of weariness.

Thankful also for the many more whom I've just gotten to know... and I count it a privilege and joy to be able to leave a mark in each of their lives, however insignificant.

Okay, dinner time! :)

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Haha head's spinning already... better go get a shower and then sleep.