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It's really a stretch.

Didn't really have much time in school today to do my work - was constantly swamped by the guys who came in group after group *drum roll* It's the day before the preliminary round for Projects' Day... and I've got quite a number of teams on hand. Not to mention ThinkQuest deadline being two days away...

And I've yet to pack for the trip.

And I still have quite a bit to do.

I know I'll need the sleep still though. Ho well. Hope to catch at least three hours of sleep bah.

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It was a good meet up the morning before with Edmund, my counselling supervisor, ex school counsellor of my present workplace. I really never expected myself to have such a good first session with him - it was more of a catching up session than anything else. Gleaned much from him even though it was only for an hour.

It's nothing new, the topic which he brought up - Self care. I knew it as soul care in the past. It's pretty much making sure of your own well being before you work and cater to others' needs. He cited some staff with good self care plans, how they have "non negotiables" in their lives which they stick to.

Seems like I've got to relook into my self care plan - the short trip to Sydney gives me time to do that I guess. And... I can finally finish writing more FriendMarks along the way... so many backlog bookmarks to write and give away. :|

Did my sunday morning jog/run just now... tried doing intervals and ended up walking the entire distance back to meet dear before we jogged another half an hour or so.

About to go off for breakfast before service with dear... then back to do up and print out the rest of the FriendMarks before heading her way to do more work before dinner then back to do more work... then sleep... then work. So much so for self care. Hahaha... Actually not that bad. Must factor time in to exercise and keep my mind refreshed. Not forgetting quiet times.

Okay time to go. :) Happy 15th Birthday officially YZ, if you drop by. ;)

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The 'C' division water polo boys lost their final match against ACS(I) yesterday with a final scoreline of 8-13. I remembered hearing that the last time the teams met, they lost out 1-10. The boys trained really hard, and despite knowing that it wasn't going to be easy, they staged a good fight.

For me the 'B' division match days ago was something I really wanted to catch because I've got five of my boys playing; I know quite a number of those playing in the 'C' division match as well... but I must say I was quite excited to see lao san in action. :)

The final whistle blew (actually it was a horn)... the team got out of the waters for a little debrief from the coach before walking over to the spectator stand for a team bow. Walked over with the 'B' div guys to meet them halfway... two of them were tearing, one of which was lao san.

There are many reasons for crying... his definitely wasn't one of weakness. I remember the lyrics of a mandarin song which says that only those who know how to give of themselves know why they cry. He's given much to the training and competition and he wanted so much to win... and so naturally the disappointment. But I told him I wanted a photo taken still whether his eyes are red or not. Hahaha...

Lao san is a fighter.　:)

Then I asked myself of the things that are worth fighting for in my life... and how I'll respond in times of loss or disappointments.

Funny I know, but attending this match gave me a renewed faith and energy to move on. It's been yet another draining week... but fulfilling nonetheless.

Leaving for Sydney in four days... not hoping for much, but that it'll be a time where I can experience moments of refreshing.

Probably a few more entries before I leave... till then, much work to be done still. ;)

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The bane of introversion... melancholy. Haha.

Some photos were requested which required me to rummage through my archived collection that dates back to 2001. Looking through photos of yesteryears brought back lots of really nice memories... yet at the same time a tinge of regret (I never knew some of my boys were so traumatized by the phrase when I used that as the subject heading in a mail I sent them to inform them that their competition entry had been disqualified... hur hur), knowing that those days won't return anymore.

And the thing about maintaining friendships and relationships... even in youth ministry, there's so much that I'm missing now. It's been such a different year... and even though I meet boys around the same age the whole week round now, it's just different. In school the distance inevitably exists. Don't think I'll ever know anyone of them as deeply as I'll know some of the guys in youth ministry, journeying along with them not just in their joys but in their struggles and sorrows.

And now that I'm taking a break off ministry... it's like, well. It does feel like I've lost something. I was so happy when I bumped into Zeb the day before at the stevens rd bus stop - he was on his way for gym training... the exchange of greeting was cordial, but that was about it.

Aye. Not to mention the initial years when the Living Stones came to be. Or the Mustard Seeds days. And the forming of the numbers. Even Gpp and the Kakis.

It's gonna be really quiet this year I guess... haha.

Once in a while... just once in a while.

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Can't imagine still, that a short stint of relief teaching two years ago could lead up to all these.

To think that I initially wanted to brush off the offer.

Haha... (:

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I don't think I'll be able to articulate in full what I witnessed this afternoon at the ACS(I) swimming pool... but I'll try my best.

It all started the day before when I was about to knock off from work. If I hadn't got a meeting for the sydney trip to attend to at the high school staff room, I wouldn't be at the staff room. If I hadn't got the need to collect my namecards, I wouldn't pop over to the counter after the meeting. And If I hadn't popped over, I wouldn't have been offered a packet of food to eat (left over from some function).

The weirdest thing. Instead of throwing away the empty styrofoam box in the staff pantry's bin, I went off in a rush with the box... and went up to the second floor to throw instead... remembered that there's a bin there.

Sandra was there at one of the benches with Junxian and Yauxuan probably discussing some project matters... I was about to walk off after throwing the rubbish when she stopped me to talk.

I must say I've never gotten the sunken heart feeling in a long time... She told me about the situation today at the pool when the boys lost to RI by a goal. Knowing some of them personally kind of made it more personal, like, more sunken.

It sank further when she told me which team the team's up against the next day. The team needs to win by five goals or more to qualify for the finals.

She asked me to get prepared to talk to them just in case... Messaged some of them along my way out... then decided to witness the match itself. Texted boss to ask for permission... permission granted.

And so I went with them this afternoon to ACS(I). They encountered some hiccups even before boarding the bus... and along the way there all was quiet on the bus. Not quite sure what went on their mind... but I guess the need to win by such a margin against a formidable foe... it can be quite a daunting thought. Prayed for them.

The stretching... the warm ups... it was initially scorching hot. Then dark clouds started to loom. The match started... the boys fought hard. Really hard.

They led the scoreboard all the way - there were moments the opposition fought back... it boiled down to 6 - 4 in the last 30 seconds. And it ended with that score.

There was pretty much silence as the team came out from the pool... the solemnity was a bit deafening, ironic as it sounds. Hearts were heavy... winning by two goals might not have been enough. We'll all know pretty soon when the other teams have played the rest of their matches.

But seriously. They played like winners today. They gave their best. They fought. The last photo on top topped it off. Sandra didn't care about the rain either and joined them in it.

I'm sure she's utterly proud of them... and I share the same sentiment.

Never stop fighting guys.

;)

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It's funny how things went today.

My spirit was a little dampened the first half of the day due to the last minute flying of many aeroplanes... air traffic suddenly got very congested. Haha...

Had a good jog though. :)

Went to school with dear to take the coach to Mediacorp for the filming of the quarter final round of The Arena.

It really reminded me of the days awaiting for the release of my ThinkQuest results at every of the finals - the excitement quite unbearable at times. Haha... but yeah. Was good. Glad and proud to see one of my boys at it, nailing points and doing what he's good at. I was telling Char if I feel this way for all of them now, I really can't imagine next time time I have children of my own... I would have fainted with too much joy when the results are announced.

Hur.

But yeah... seriously. Way to go, you, if you ever drop by. ;)

(sms exchange)

me: ;)

him: Phew.

me: Your mom reminds me of mine. Cherish her orh. I'll try my best to catch future showdowns. (last statement deleted)

him: Haha my mum's super young. Ya I will. (last statement deleted)

me: Eh just in case u got e wrong msg, e resemblance was in her heart for u, e way she reacted when you were announced (deleted deleted).

him: Ya I love her (deleted deleted)

Well. I initially just wanted to send that little smiley face, but I guess it would be good to let him know about my little takeaway. His mom was there at the studio to give him support... and the way she reacted after certain announcements really reminded me of my own mom. Certain memories of my last ThinkQuest finals came to mind; she accompanied me on the trip to Switzerland, sat through the excitement and all, sharing not just the joys but woes and sorrows in other circumstances.

And I'm reminded by Char that not all moms are like that. Mm. :)

We had dinner along the stretch of food stalls along bt timah road some days ago... passed by Boon Tong Kee, and I vividly remembered the hearty chat I had with mom there, one to one, some weeks before she fell to a brain haemorrhage back in 2005.

I still see her everyday now... but I guess it'll never be the same. The haemorrhage (massive bleeding) had caused the high level functionings of her brain to cease... it is a comfort still to know that she recognizes who we all are and is still able to respond to simple yes and no questions.

But I do miss her voice. And all the chatting by her bedside. And the meals... well.

Cherish your mummies PLEASE. (:

Had a good evening time with dear walking past the school and having dinner at this little thai foodhouse at King's Arcade. They serve authentic and yummilicious thai food I tell you. Haha... but I guess the most amazing thing had to be our conversation throughout the evening. And as we tried to piece certain things together, we both came to the conclusion that it had to be a divine appointment.

When things seem to be falling in place and as you look back and realise for yourself that it really can't be a coincidence, when one thing leads to another that's impossible to attribute to simply "luck", we can only go before God, whose ways are always higher, whose "understanding no one can fathom (Isaiah 40:28)", and go "Wow".

And it's funny how I'm reminded through some of my boys how blessed I am materially (ironically). The crumpler bag, the ipod nano... all blessings from dear ones (because they know I couldn't have afforded them. :P). And now the Macbook Air. Haha... one of them mentioned that good begets good. Then I look at myself. Good meh. Hahaha...

Because I have a good God, whose love endures forever. None of my own merit, but in all my givings, I can only give because I'm given, love because I'm loved. If there's one difference that I can cite before and after knowing God in this personal relationship, it has to be this, because before then I didn't exactly know how to give, or love, for the matter. Hatred, loads... unforgiveness, quite a number... selfishness, quite. Sigh. Such confessions, though they're in the past, still ruins the reputation in a way or two... but well. Must be reminded time and again that that was the old me.

:)

It's been sometime since I've been so compelled to blog a long post. If you've actually read through till this point, do give yourself a pat on the back. And leave a tag. ;)

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From Stuart Briscoe's "One Year Book of Devotions for Men"

"Wounds from a friend are better than many kisses from an enemy" - Proverbs 27:6

"Julius Caesar was attacked by sixty conspirators in the entrance to the Roman Senate on March 15, 44 B.C. As this was happening, he saw Marcus Junius Brutus rush at him with drawn dagger. He was shocked and in anguish cried out, "Et tu, Brute?" – "You, too, Brutus?" had joined the assassins, and he plunged his dagger into the dictator’s breast. While Caesar had forgiven many of his defeated opponents, he had not made genuine friends.

Harry S. Truman, the thirty-third President of the United States, had a similar problem. He said, "If you want a friend in Washington, D.C., get a dog!" While emperors establishing and maintaining genuine friendships. The reason may be that friendships require time, effort, and vulnerability. Work demands a great part of a man's time and effort, and vulnerability is seen by many men as unmanly. So men tend to settle for acquaintances and colleagues, and friendships remain undeveloped.

That this is a serious omission in a man's life can be seen from the teaching of Proverbs: "Wounds from a friend are better than many kisses from an enemy" (Prov. 27:6). The kiss of Judas in the Garden of Gethsemane was on first appearances, a greeting and a wounded by Peter's flailing sword than betrayed by Judas’s deceitful kiss.

Not that a friend's wounding has to come from a sword; it can come from being more concerned about our well-being than about our good feelings and their own status as friends would be willing to tell us. But "the heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense" (27:9). Unpalatable counsel from a true friend is; "heartfelt," motives behind the critical evaluation and the corrective advice.

A genuine friend is of inestimable worth. So "never abandon a friend – either yours or your father’s" (27:10). The time will come in the uncertainties of life when support, encouragement, counsel, and help are in short supply. That is the time when long-standing friendships pay off. In Washington, and elsewhere, a dog is okay – he will like your face and bring you slippers. But only a friend will deliver what you really need."

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I didn't know "CSESC" forms a palindrome (reads the same forward and backward) until Yang told me about it. Haha...

I must say that the meeting went better than expected, with expectations laid and the initial tone of the committee set.

This group of boys volunteered to take up the challenge of building up some things that have been non existent, amidst their already very busy schedules. Daunting and challenging days ahead... but nonetheless life enriching and probably very fun, should the team decide to brave through thick and thin together.

I have at most one year to work with them... and with this end in mind, I hope we'll be able to look back then and see all that's been done and forged, even seemingly impossible things made possible.

Thank you guys from the beginning... and jotting this down now, so that there'll be something for us to refer back to when the time comes. :)

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I won a Macbook Air in a competition / draw that I forgot about. Grand prize. Faintly heard that the person who called is from Sunday Times.

I seriously don't have any recollection of taking part in it but her iteration of my particulars over the phone was too real to be fake.

Just smsed a friend. Vaguely remembered voting for him for some Sunday Times competition... must be it. Well. Shall wait for the winner's letter to confirm.

If it's true then... W-H-O-A. :)

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The past few days have been better... will write more when time permits. :)

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Breaking point came early for me I guess.

只有懂得如何付出的人才懂得何谓哭，为何哭...

Don't think I'll do anything school related for the rest of the night.

I'll miss the times spent with the boys... if it ever gets cut short.

Haha... 真的好久没有这样哭过了。

char says:
hurr anyway dear i dont think breaking pt came early

char says:
u have been living life at subsistence level since nov/dec last year.

char says:
tt is like almost 5 months of trying yr best

char says:
and i mean yr BEST

char says:
of giving more than u could really give

char says:
tt is nearly half a yr!

ガゥビン says:
hur

ガゥビン says:
got 5 mths le ah

ガゥビン says:
Orh. ya hor.

char says:
YAHHHHHH

char says:
good job dear dear :)

ガゥビン says:
i copy and paste this convo on my entry hor

char says:
u can go on for more than 5 mths in do or die state ;p

char says:
hurr okie :)

Now... I didn't even realised that it's been nearly half a year.

Never knew it can be this hard.

Because of all that's happening, I couldn't avail myself to be a responsible coach to the teams under me... couldn't avail myself to do the things I really want to do.

But I'm pressing on. Straining toward what's ahead.

I suppose this is what we call togetherness, although I don't suppose any of them will actually feel this way.

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FOUND!!! FOUND!!! I found my thumbdrive!!! Wooo! Or rather, Char found it. Haha... She brought breakfast to my place while I continued with work... asked for tissue and we ran out of tissue box. So I went into my room to get a tissue packet... passed to her.

And she found it inside the packet.

Hahaha... that'll save me quite a bit of work in time to come. :)

Wow just prayed that we'll learn to rejoice in Pa no matter what just now... and then this. :P

And I caught a little glimpse again into Pa's heart... and now I can imagine a bit of the jubilee and euphoria that He had when I first acknowledged Him in my heart seven years ago... and everytime I slipped and then returned. Mmm. :)

Alright. Back to work. :)

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Just got back from my evening lesson not too long ago... and now it's time to burn the midnight oil. But before I begin...

Thankful for the evening lesson. Though the things that are plaguing at this moment of time can't exactly be solved, am thankful for the counselling role play that actually made me feel better somehow. Hahaha...

Thankful for that short (very, very short) moment of respite with the 1G'06, 2G'07 guys - they had a gathering at Mark's house... ended up playing table tennis with Jon, Dom and a couple others before I had to leave for my evening lesson. It's been a long time since I've had such a relaxing moment... and with the boys.

And for dear who accompanied me for the ride to my evening lesson... and for the letter of great encouragement. :)

Alright. Time to work. :)

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Can't find. Boo...

It's really as if I'm in a griefing state for a lost one... no joke.

I have to redo everything.

And on and on I hear it.

Do what's necessary first.

And when I tried to select a song to play first, this came out.

LOVE THE LORD
by Lincoln Brewster

Love the Lord your God
With all your heart
With all your soul
With all your mind
And with all your strength (2x)

With all your heart
With all your soul
With all your mind
And with all your strength
Love the Lord your God
With all your heart
With all your soul
With all your mind
And with all your strength

I will serve the Lord
With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
And with all my strength (2x)

With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
And with all my strength
I will serve the Lord
With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
And with all my strength

I will love You (I will love You)
I will praise You (I will praise You)
I will serve You, Lord (I will serve You)
I will trust You, Lord (I will trust You)

And with all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
And with all my strength
With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
With all my strength

I will love You Lord
With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
And with all my strength (3x)

Aye. Haha... okay. So I shall redo what's necessary first. :)

(Stir)

"Mm! :) feels sian, but when I think of e students i'm working for, doesn't seem so much like work. After all, it's they who matter in this work. :)"

As a result of this sms from dear, I had to stop work for a few moments to clear my eyes.

She purposely one grr. Hahaha...

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Finally caught "The Leap Years" - been wanting to catch the show ever since I saw the preview on the bus on the way to work about a month plus back. Throw in a local love plot plus Corrine May's songs... my heart gets tugged like that. Haha... Told Char it's my kind of movie - local, somewhat chinese yet in english. Just like me and my chinese xinyao sounding english songs. I guess that's where it's special being a heartlander... a Singaporean? :)

Enjoyed the day having lunch with the boys and spending the evening with Char. The day could be worse... I must say that I'm not looking forward to the next few days where I can possibly experience stress on a new level. Not to mention that I almost freaked out just now when I realised that the thumbdrive that I use to store all my important and updated documents is currently lost for the moment. Sure do hope that it didn't drop out of my pocket or what yesterday... if not all the work that I've done over the past days will amount to zilch. And that'll mean more work.

What am I supposed to learn from all these? I know not for now... but I do know that I've got to get certain things out by hook or by crook by the deadlines because it concerns all of them.

Please let me find the thumbdrive.

Shall go take a shower first and continue the search.

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It's funny... it still hasn't sunk in yet.

Even if it's a work trip, I would have been overly excited in the past, not to mention that it's all expenses paid... I think.

I come from a middle low income family... and if it wasn't for ThinkQuest, there wouldn't be any overseas plane trips to speak of then. California twice and Switzerland once... and that marked the end of my long plane ride adventures.

So I ought to be feeling excited. Funny. Haha... well well.

It'll be a good time getting to know my bosses better in the midst of school visitation I guess. :)

Some of my boys just got back from Melbourne from their lil study trip... and from their reports and photos it really seems like they had lots of fun. I wonder if I'll ever get such opportunities to know them better under such less stressful circumstances... ah wells. Casting hope on the student committee that's going to be formed soon. :)

Zz time. Work in the morning.

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I... made my first ever big purchase yesterday night.

Astons was good.

Waterhorse was okay.

Overall was very good.

Haha...

It's term break next week but that spells lots of work trying to settle class lists, timetables and room bookings. Lots of planning, project evaluations, all these amidst the various appointments that I'll like to keep to, plus studying and reading up for the next essay...

But there's one thing that I really want to do.

That's to reorientate and realign myself back to how it's used to be and how it's supposed to be.

I know I can't do it by myself.

Hope, there is...

Let it be so.

I want to want You all over again.

Meeting dear for breakfast before heading for service. :)

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LIKE A CHILD
by Jars of Clay

Dear God, surround me as I speak,
the bridges that I walk across are weak
Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear
Dear God, don't let me fall apart,
you've held me close to you
I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand

[Chorus:]

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them crashing into the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
with faith like a child

Sometimes, when I feel miles away
and my eyes can't see your face
I wonder if I've grown to lose the recklessness
I walked in light of you

[Chorus]

[Little girl:]
"I've got joy like a fountain!"
"Be kind one to others"
"In Jesus Christ Your son"

They say that love can heal the broken
They say that hope can make you see
They say that faith can find a Savior
If you would follow and believe
with faith like a child

It's been one of my favourite songs even before I became a Chrisitan about seven years ago... found the tune nice then. But now as I traverse through this particular stage of life where I'm in and as I look through the lyrics once again, I found meanings so deep I never would have understood back then, or even when I first became a Christian.

Faith is a very powerful thing.

Even so when you've got faith like a child's.

But even more so when it comes to the object of faith.

Because Pa's ever so faithful, especially in our faithlessness.

The past weeks haven't been all that good.

I must confess that my spiritual walk has been in dire straits of late. Readings came close to ziltch... time resources very scarce these days to even pick up the guitar.

even when I threw my life away... You still receive me...

I was apprehensive in meeting up with the bunch of people yesterday evening being the introvert that I still am, coupled with the fact of my not so good walk... but He has His ways and purposes.

I was deeply encouraged even though I didn't really show much expressions on my face. Worshipping along with them and sharing a little of my heart and burdens... Pa sure is doing something unprecedented in the place. :)

It was hard the past couple of days because of the essay which I had to write... I don't know if it's due to the fact that I haven't been writing academic papers for some time... I sure hope it is. Imagine spending 4 - 5 hours per day staring at the computer for 3 - 4 days... just for a 2000 word paper. Must confess that it was quite demoralising... but thankful for the moral support dear dear gave... and the practical aid of borrowing the relevant sources from the NIE library... thank you dear dear and your sis (for going all the way down to get the books!) :) IT IS DONE! FINISHED! To be handed up two hours from now. Hur hur...

Got to go for my lessons soon... then dinner soon after at Astons with dear. Ah looking forward to that. :P

Gratitude. Indebted to the Lord on high.

I shall resolve to memorize some verses along the way on the bus ride to my centre. :)

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Everybody's in need of them.

I'm just thankful that I've been blessed with some whom I can catch up with from time to time. Guess it's a matter of life stage as well, where you just can't possibly keep in constant contact with friends... that's why I really cherish those whom I keep in contact, those who make an effort to do so, like this brother and friend whom I've made sort of a covenant with to meet up every quarterly to catch up... next monday's our next meeting and boy am I so looking forward! :) Haha I know you pop by la... it's quite amazing how Pa brings friends together orh! ;)

I miss those times when I was in secondary three and four when I would have a bunch of classmates whom I always hang out with and play table tennis with. Same goes for junior college times when a huge part of my CT's practically together all the time... we even won the best CT award for J1. Hahaha... seeing how the guys hang out with their friends in school brings back good memories for myself... but it also brings to mind that such times don't and won't last. We all grow up... then it becomes a stark reality that time that's lost... is lost. Duh I know... so yeah, shall live everyday with nothing to regret - maybe that's why I've grown to be more expressive and daring when it comes to communicating with others - it's hard as an introvert... but as I reflect upon how I grew up I realised that it's been much better. Some people don't even believe that I'm an introvert. Hahaha...

Okay I'm currently just trying to shun my essay that I'm supposed to start writing... Shall start now. Yes. AH GALVIN START NOW!!!! Hahaha....

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To have an essay assignment to write amidst the endless amount of work along the week... and to have a test to study for a day before the essay deadline, with the endless amount of work still.

Not bad. I know how my boys feel because I go through such times not just years ago, but now even. Heh heh. :)

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:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

xD xD xD xD xD xD xD xD xD xD

(: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (:

Hahaha... commemorating something special. :)

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Don't exactly have much to write about the night... 'cept that my heart sank a number of times when the emcee kept picking on my boys. Really seems like there's a faction out there who don't see them as part of their own consortium anymore... and I'm told that there's nothing much I can do because it's a domestic affair. Well... I hope this doesn't occur in the other consortia.

Bonding in CSE is tricky business... because it's multifaceted. But if it ever gets managed properly, it'll be an amazing sight.

And sometimes I guess the boys can afford a more charismatic teacher / leader to see them through... not one who's introverted, who wants to lavish verbal encouragements and rally people together but stop short at the 'wanting' stage because of his character... well.

Kudos to Bryan, Jerry, Shaun, Yiteng & Xinzhi for their Boeing Band... and Kok Seng & friend for the self composed song. ;)

Ironically... the best part of the night was having the opportunity to chill with Wayne, Ruijie and Nick Yeo, all three whom I do not have direct connections with this year. Just happened so that we met towards the later part of the night, then we decided to take our showers and sleep together. Haha... random grouping.

I need strength and inspiration to plan for the days ahead for them.