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It's been yet another long time since I've updated... I'm starting to believe I'm losing the streak to blog. I glanced through the dates and realised that at my peak (March 2003 - February 2007) I'd been averaging about 30+ posts a month. Now there're times I wanted to write, and I would launch my text editor to type... then erase everything altogether. I also don't know why. Haha...

I JUST WROTE TWO LINES AND I DELETED THEM. See what I mean see what I mean. Sigh... hahahaha.

Lessons and the topics we cover in the masters phase are definitely much more challenging. From time to time I ask myself if I could actually last till next August; on one hand I really appreciate the opportunity given me to be equipped so that I become a better helper... on another, I do wish I don't have that much to do. Rusty me takes a long time to write quality essays... but I cannot refute the fact that it is through the process of the writing that I get myself refined in the theories and yes, I do feel the positive effects. Well at the end of the day (which I find myself saying this a whole lot of times - kind of my latest 'kou tou chan'), I'm reminded that it's about my availablity and not my ability, because God would be the one who'll lead me through this season, as He's always had previously.

Which brings me to the topic of this entry. The topic of friendship pops up rather frequently of late; it was a hot topic at the recently concluded Toastmasters speech contest organised to celebrate the boys' journey through the public speaking learning process... thereafter some of us talked about it here and there. Char and I talked about it as well recently... and she brought forth a term that was relatively new to me - relationships of convenience. Upon some searching, I realised that this is something that Aristotle had talked about.

I remember about the best friends, good friends, bad friends... gold, silver, bronze... all kinds of labels we give to our friends back then in primary school. I can't deny that I had good memories of having fun with some of them. Our commonality was that we belonged to the same class and we happened to share the same interests... and that was how we gelled. But they were friendships of convenience - once the structures were broken and we go our different directions, we stopped pursuing one another's friendships. We moved on.

There're not many people who would take up the constants in our lives... there're not many people who would see us for who we are and choose to be with us anyways. A title of a book that Char and I read in our courting days stuck to me... that "love is a decision". It is through the decision to commit in a friendship/relationship that we start to see the relationship take root; it is through this commitment from both parties that we see the relationship bear fruit.

The irony in life is that there would be occasions when one commits wholeheartedly and the other doesn't, or does so half heartedly. I confess that I am guilty on both ends... still in the process of learning to give to the nonresponsive and at the same time learning to appreciate more and more those who are giving unto me.

I went on some 'last walks' with some of my students before their final exams and before they move on next year. These moments are what I would cherish... and yet at the back of my mind I know that for most, they would remain purely as memories. Our relationships aren't exactly tested because they're very much bound by structures till now. Wait till next year... the next next year. There's one of them who actually asked if there would be another walk after the exams... that moment I deeply cherish. He's also one who surprised me with a teachers' day card entirely filled with words. In fact, quite a number of them wrote to me this year... really came as a surprise. Then again, I'm not so sure if we would eventually be keeping in touch. It can be a bit tiring being on the end that keeps on with the initiating.

Had a meal with a student some weeks ago; taught him briefly in secondary one and never had any other official interactions with him thereafter. We chatted from time to time over msn in the past... I remembered some phone chats in which he called. I have confidence that we'll be keeping in contact for a long while. And I realised the difference lies in the other party taking the initiative, however big or small it is.

And it's sobering to know that Jesus is always there waiting, always committed, always taking the initiative in extending his hand of friendship and help. I have to confess that even in this regard I'm beginning to see the level of relationship of convenience that I actually have in this - how I used to feel so close to Him through those days of active participating in cellgroup and serving in youth ministry. I'm slowly coming back... and though I long for how it used to be, I am looking forward to establishing a more mature relationship with Christ in time to come. Kudos to my dear dear for modelling this for me. (:

And yes... once again thankful for the wonderful friendships He's blessed me with. The smell of the tea and toast at Bukit Timah's Old Town White Coffee still lingers on. ;)

Okay time to get some exercise done... been trying to get back in shape so that I'll look nice in photos at the commencement dinner. That would probably be the only time when students actually take the initiative to ask to take photos with me so yes, must not disappoint their cameras. Hahaha...